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Love » Romance-intimacy » Perfect-10-honesty-070827
Perfect 10 For A Good Marriage Part III - Honesty

Perfect 10 For A Good Marriage Part III - Honesty We've all heard shoals about how honesty is the best policy. But we usually translate this as merely being truthful. When asked a question, don't lie! But this perception of honesty isn't entirely relevant to, nor does it suffice to build a good marriage.

Following my take on respect in marriage last time, it isn't easy to value someone you feel is dishonest. On the other hand, honesty begets respect and keeps the love flowing. Why?


Honesty entails a lot more than stating a fact. It means you're willing to share all of you - not just a part of you - with your partner. It's about sharing your feelings, thoughts and plans, about your past, present and future, so that together, you build a life you both cherish.

Think about it. If you're not honest, how will your spouse ever understand what you don't like about him/her, and accordingly make adjustments?

Express honesty tactfully, not thoughtlessly

We all like to think that we're honest, or at least mostly so. But expressing honesty is a knack one needs to learn. When absent, it causes the disclosure to feel more like a slap on the face, than an effort to share oneself. Remember, you're out to create more intimacy in the relationship not loose what you already have.

The trick to expressing yourself tactfully is to learn how to do it. Say it - while staying calm, respectful and amiable. More importantly, adopt the same qualities when hearing out your partner.

Of course, some subjects are sensitive, while others are painful and hard to digest. Honesty in such situations can be difficult to say the least. It is then time to ask yourself whether you can face reality without flinching? Have you realized that marriage isn't a cakewalk?

In their book, Making Your Second Marriage A First-Class Success, Douglas and Naomi Moseley say, "Anybody who runs away, collapses, counterattacks, or otherwise defends when an unpalatable message comes their way has lapsed into a child state."

'Grin and bear it' versus honesty?

This 'child state' is when dishonesty creeps in, to please the other, to support a reality that is convenient, as opposed to one that truly is. Those who perceive complaining (read whining) about day-to-day issues as one of the strict no-no's of marriage also advocate dishonesty in such scenarios to keep the peace.

Sadly, this only shifts the problem to the back burner. Worse, it slowly lets the euphoria of having found the love of your life slip away. While nagging is certainly a no-no for a happy marriage, so is 'sacrifice'. Try tactful honesty instead.

If you can't be honest with your life partner, who will you be honest with?

So - when compatibility becomes an issue, don't look the other way and suffer inside. Work towards a mutually agreeable solution, well aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses.

The problem with the 'grin and bear it' approach - even towards petty thoughts - is that it causes the malaise to fester within. And odds are that it will erupt one day to wreak havoc in your marriage.

Instead, if you could improve your marriage simply by being honest, you wouldn't feel the need to look elsewhere for your emotional or physical needs. Isn't this much easier?

P.S. - To place your cards on the table, by being honest, is to be trustworthy. More on 'trust' next week.

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Charu Bahri
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