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Is my Man half as good as my Father?
Father Vs husband
Who's the real hero?
The only man a girl loves when she is young is her father, whom she admires and respects. He is the one whom she always idolized as her Hero. Someone who does not have flaws, who's just perfect. The girl grows up to be a woman and falls in love with a man whom she would want to spend her entire life with. But all along the one doubt that really nags her is, 'Is my man half as good as my father?'
A father -daughter relationship is a special bond. She is his little princess and he her Santa Claus. And as she grows up she consciously / subconsciously seeks the qualities she admired in her father in her husband as well. By then the song she sings is, "My father is a hero... the best". Is this really for a fact? Do most girls believe so? ShaadiTimes spoke to some daughters to understand their psyche.
In the feature that follows we unravel the ties that bind fathers and daughters.
 Fashion designer Shaina NC, always wanted someone who is like her father. "I have always idolized my dad." His temperament, leadership quality, ability to handle people is just incredible. I am restless and my dad is calm. That's something I found in my husband, Manish. He too is very composed and relaxed. Both my father and husband are my support system. Neither of them is a chauvinist nor insecure about me. During my childhood dad was my hero. He would accompany me to school functions and help me with my studies.
When I was a budding designer, trying to create a name for my self, dad used to encourage me. "No matter what, always think that you are the best," he would say. When I used to be upset or get angry he would crack a joke and make me laugh. He was my best buddy. Be it sports, studies or work dad was always there for me. Hence subconsciously I always felt that I needed someone like him whom I could depend on. I wanted a partner who would encourage and motivate me. Manish is my motivator. I can talk to him about anything. When I am stressed out with work, I just have to go home and I know my husband will be there to make me laugh just like dad did."
Is it a conscious effort on the part of the women to seek someone who is just like their father? Is it fair to compare two individuals who are vividly different in age, experience and basic nature? And above all what are the psychological ramifications of indulging in such comparisons?
Psychologist Dr. Harish Shetty says that most girls don't have a father fixation but due to the long association they have had with a powerful male in their family, (their father), subconsciously leads to them to seek those qualities in their partners. And the three basic qualities, which they have grown up associating their dad with, are loyalty, kindness and a caring nature.
 On one hand there are women who completely idolize and worship their fathers and want their husbands to be just like their dad whereas there are those who want a completely different individual unlike their dad. A girl grows up watching her dad do everything from providing finance, to helping in household chores. She feels that these qualities make a man sensitive and caring and she seeks this in her husband.
We spoke to a daughter who admired her dad but never idolized him. And this made their relationship very special. Model Nethra Raghuraman says, "I don't idolize my father but I have always admired him as a person. His sense of humor, his friendliness and his capacity to deal with problems in a thoughtful manner are just admirable."
When she fell in love with Ash Chandler, her husband, did she not sub consciously compare the two?
" If I would be looking for a someone who had qualities like dad, then I would be looking for dad's shadow and not a partner". There are many similarities between dad and Ash- like their sense of humor, their impatience. They both have this amazing quality to make the other person feel important, something that I need to learn." She describes the relation between her dad and her husband like a dream. "They both get along like two buddies, a relation I never shared with dad. They both are easy people to be with. They understand me and I trust them completely. These qualities are not what I consciously looked for in my husband, but it's with time that I realized that there were similarities between dad and my husband."
"Fixation is just an assumption based on psychoanalytical basis," elaborates Dr Shetty. "It is a hypothetical expression of human behaviour. Idolising takes place when the girl is too much dependant on her father for decision-making and the same is expected from her husband. But marriages don't fall apart when her husband does not meet the same qualities because she is no longer in her father's shadow. By then she starts accepting the fact that two people need not be same. Fixation is an old philosophy, no more a reason of a marital break-up. However, issues like extra marital affair, dishonesty, and acrimony are serious grievances faced by the couple".
 For most girls a father is either a friend or someone you idolise. But for television actress Shweta Keswani this was not so. She was always his little girl. To date she looks upon her father as her guardian. Someone who would guide and lead. And for her father, Shweta would always remain his baby girl.
"My father was never my friend. I could not communicate with my dad, though he was always there when I needed him yet there was always a father- daughter relation that we shared." She describes her father as loveable and someone who stood by her when she decided to act in television.
When asked if she would want her life partner to be like her father, Shweta is quick to deny. " I want a partner who is my friend. There are things you would never discuss with your parents, especially with your dad and those things you can discuss with your partner. When you want your better half to be like your father, what you are looking for is a father figure and your partner has to be your companion not your dad. Girls usually put their parents on a pedestal and parents are non- biased, non- judgmental towards their children. That is the reason a woman needs a man who would point out her flaws yet love her for who she is."
Men usually want their girlfriends/wives to be like their mothers. Someone who can cook and look after their needs. But women need someone who would understand them. For her communication is very important. She wants someone who is her companion, whom she can talk to, laugh with and cry with. Someone who is as sensitive as she is.
It is said that a father- daughter relationship is the easiest because there is love, admiration and respect. Moreover your father can be your friend a la Pooja-Mahesh Bhatt. He can be your mentor a la Meghna- Gulzar or your guardian just like Ayesha- Anil Dharkar.
The bottom line being that this relationship will always be special. The line by Pooja Bhatt in her movie 'Daddy', " no matter which man comes in my life. Daddy, I will always love you" sums this up best.
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Natasha Havewala
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