- "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with."
- "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- "I think men who have a pierced ear are better tablepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
- "What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- "When women are detablessed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking."
- "My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."
- "People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman."
- "My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes."
- "When women go wrong, men go right after them."
- "An archaeologist is best husband a woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
- "The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things."
- "Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable."
- "Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you."
- "The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest."
- "When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always."
- "If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow."
- "Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."