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Perfect 10 For A Good Marriage Part IV - Trust
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Like fine wine, a value like 'trust' matures and adds flavour to your marriage with time. Although it has no downsides, it comes packaged with a good measure of caution - the more you trust, the harder you fall if it shatters.
A marriage is all about sharing the best and worsts of you your hopes and feelings - as established in my views on honesty.
But this is a dual process. On the one side, you let down your guard, and on the other, you build up trust. The depth of your trust depends on the positive experiences you share with your partner. As you bond better, you draw closer, yet also become more vulnerable to feeling hurt.
Keep the trust alive
When it comes to trust, it doesn't do to sit back and take your partner for granted - that's when your behaviour acquires 'don't care' overtones. The little slip ups, the oversight, and the forgetfulness creep in to shake this foundation of your marriage.
Trust is demanding - it stays alive only as long as your behaviour is consistent. Keep doing things to build your marriage - little acts count too - and your partner will continue to trust you. The longer this happy state continues, the more reliable you will be seen as.
Handle with care
But make no mistake - you may have been trustworthy for decades, but just one act can shatter this perception. Trust is fragile. As they say, it demands to be handled - continuously - with care. That's what it's all about.
The spotlight in your marriage should always be on doing what it takes for love to grow, not setting meaningless boundaries defining how far you can go outside your marriage. Marriage per se implies a commitment - this pledge may be extended to working at creating a great partnership founded on trust. Do you trust your spouses' commitment? A step further, if you chose your partner, do you trust your own choice?
Don't speculate - it doesn't help build trust
Don't get stuck in a series of make-believe 'what if...' scenarios emanating in your weak mind - like Nikhil. He married his parents' friends' daughter. The only problem - in his mind - was that as they had grown, unlike their parents, they hadn't kept in touch and had drifted off to form different friends' circles.
Nikhil thought - and he didn't voice this opinion until after they were married - that he'd lay down some rules about continuing to meet only some [read 'same gender'] friends after marriage. Anita thought differently. Naturally, she wanted to keep up with her closest friends - both male and female.
Are you mature enough to be married?
The situation blew up after they were married. Anita reasoned, Nikhil protested - though lamely. Fortunately, Nikhil saw sense. He realized that his jealousy and possessiveness spoke of his immaturity, not of his love.
He could choose to trust Anita, and create a positive emotional space for both to enjoy, or distrust her and wreck their marriage. He chose the former. What changed his mind? Anita's suggestion - everyday, ask yourself what you've done to earn my trust, and demonstrate the trust you have in me.
The bottom line is that like other values, trust isn't only a feeling. It's about constantly expressing - through your actions - what faith means to you, and the confidence you have in your marriage.
P.S. A breach in fidelity - a worst-case scenario for many married couples - puts paid to all your efforts to build trust. Next, I'll focus on fidelity.
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Charu Bahri
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