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Forgive n Forget?
Tips on 'dealing' with infidelity
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Infidelity is one of the most painful experiences a relationship probably experiences. It can shatter a relationship and ruin a 'happy' family. Dealing with infidelity in a relationship needs tremendous resolve on the part of the betrayed party.
Knowing where to start is often the most difficult thing. The biggest issue in dealing with infidelity is - Can you truly forgive and let go of the past? You might 'overlook' it for sometime but to 'erase' it from your memory is a very difficult task. It will keep coming back to haunt you and you will need to deal with it.
Experts, however, feel that relationships become much better after an affair because until then the couple wasn't 'dealing' with their 'real' issues.
Shaaditimes comes up with some tips on how to deal with infidelity.
- Know yourself: Ask yourself whether you can live with the betrayal before you go further. Of course you can never forget, but you have to be willing to forgive. Or else, your relationship may turn into a vicious circle of mistrust, revenge and unspoken hatred. If you say you will forgive, you have to mean it. Do not feel pressurised because of the society or children. Take a step ahead only if you feel that you still love and have faith in your spouse and the relationship.
- Where to start: Stop playing the blame game. It might be difficult but you have to stop labelling your spouse as the bad guy/girl. By the way, an affair is seldom, if ever, only one partner's fault! Both partners need to understand what was going wrong, what lead to the affair, and what each partner needs to do now. Reflect together on the fact that you have decided to make a second attempt at your relationship and give it a fresh lease. Communicate and be transparent about your feelings and emotions. Be there for the other so that there is no question of looking elsewhere for emotional or physical intimacy. Often the one betrayed may think that they need to know "all" the details, but this is never a good idea! That would only cause deeper feelings of hurt.
- Non-negotiable boundaries: If you find your partner dithering over ending the affair completely, give him an ultimatum. Be firm and let him know that unless he/she cuts off all contact with the lover you are not willing to give your relationship a try. Also make it very clear that you have been willing to deal with his infidelity this time but you will not tolerate it happening ever again. There are non-negotiable boundaries that your partner has to respect if the relationship has a hope of surviving.
- Take your time: Give yourself time to deal with your anger, resentment and hurt over the whole issue. Let your partner know how you feel and how you will need some time to heal. It may take some time for you to be intimate with him again and let him know that. Do not feel pushed into an intimate relationship for fear he might stray again. If that is the case, review your reasons for being in the relationship.
In such situations where you feel you can never, ever trust the person again, it's best to make a clean break and get out of the relationship. What do you say? Tell us about how you would deal such a situation.
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