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How to win a date
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Forgive and forget
Anubhav asks,
I met this girl through Shaadi.com and proposed to her. She told me about her past and denied having any contact with her ex. But one day I stumbled into her inbox and found that she was still in touch with her ex! When I told her she cried and apologised. She said that she was afraid that she may lose me if she would have told the truth. She scared me by attempting suicide so I gave in, forgave her and we tried to compromise. I can feel that her love and passion for me has increased a lot but my love for her has obviously decreased. I don't seem to have that much trust in her. We were going to be married in Jan 2007 but I delayed it until Jan 2008 at the earliest. Please advise if I should go ahead as she has nothing more to hide and she has realised her mistake.
Dear Anubhav,
I can see that you have had an unnerving experience and must have been really shaken up on discovering that your girlfriend had deceived you about being in touch with her ex-boyfriend. Your reluctance to trust her as much as you did previously is understandable. So also is the fact that you feel less loving and passionate towards her. On the other hand, you say that she has become more loving, has shown remorse and has sincerely apologised. Also, and more importantly, she has 'nothing more to hide and has realised her mistake.' If the following factors prevail, it may be a good idea to rethink your attitude towards your girlfriend:
- She has well and truly 'let go' of her ex-boyfriend and has no contact with him, nor does she show any inclination toward the same;
- She truly loves you;
- Her present behaviour is trustworthy and caring; 4) her past emails have shown no romantic involvement with her ex-boyfriend.
Perhaps, you are letting your hurt and anger cloud your judgment. If you could love her as much as you did, ask yourself whether you can find it in your heart to truly forgive her. Since she was merely keeping in touch with her ex-boyfriend and was not romantically involved with him, it does appear that you may have overreacted. While I accept that she should not have lied about being in touch with him, it does seem plausible that she was afraid of how you would react, and only her fear kept her from revealing the truth.
Since you two do love each other, if you can forgive her and just get on with the relationship it would be wonderful. Forgiveness means not bringing up the past as a way of criticising her or putting her down in any quarrel, not feeling/acting morally superior or taking advantage of her past behaviour to 'score points' over her, not being plagued with doubts and fears about whether she will betray your trust in the future. Forgiveness would mean understanding why she did what she did, accepting her remorse and apology as signs that she is truly sorry, putting her past behind and just concentrating on enjoying each other.
Winning a date
Nitin asks,
My friend is in love with one of his colleagues. But he is not able to approach her and tell her about his feelings towards her. How do you think my friend can approach her and get to know her feelings towards him?
Dear Nitin,
Your friend has to put aside his shyness or he might lose this girl by default. There are plenty of decent ways to let someone know that we are interested in them without risking too much embarrassment or rejection. I will assume of course that your friend is inhibited and does not favour the direct, upfront approach.
When an individual feels attracted to another, more eye contact is made and more gazing occurs. He says pleasant things, gives praise, notices details such as clothes, and so on. He smiles, shows interest by enquiring about her or her family, shows concern, especially if she has some minor ailment such as a cold or flu. Above all, he engages her in conversation. The conversation does not have to invade privacy but is one that shows interest in the other...her likes, dislikes, interests, choice of books or movies, views on just about anything. When your friend finds that this girl seems to enjoy talking he can always suggest that they continue chatting over a cup of tea. Thus the first date can easily and smoothly be arranged. I have met many individuals who had been so shy in college that they never let on to someone that they were attracted to him (or her), and felt devastated when they
later came to know that the other individual had also felt a similar attraction to them, but had got married to someone else. So tell your friend to go ahead and at least attempt to be friends with this girl. If he puts aside his reservations and fears, he might be able to discover whether this girl is willing to have more than mere friendship with him.
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