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Is He The Right Man?
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Dr. Shefali Batra
Is a Psychiatrist, Psychotherapist and Counsellor. Her focus is on premarital counselling, she guides couples through compatibility checks with ratings, sex education, marital disharmony and adoption counselling. Visit her website: www.mindframes.co.in for more info. Have a question? Click here...
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Compatibility Check
Harish asks,
I am searching for a girl and since it's an arranged marriage it's not very easy to find out if she is compatible with me or not. Is there a reliable way to arrive at a conclusion as to how compatible the two persons are?
Dear Harish,
It is great that before getting married, you are looking out for a compatibility check with your intended-to-be spouse. There are reasonably reliable ways to assess the compatibility quotient. Tests are available, which assess the maturity, readiness for marriage; as well as compatibility in different areas such as likes, dislikes, personality, temper, perspectives, beliefs and attitudes, finance, children, sex, family roles, work, leisure, religion, intimacy, conflict resolution and the like. If you and your intended-to-be spouse undergo the test, it will give you a reasonable idea of how compatible you are. At the same time, if differences are noted, there are ways to establish agreeability and increase your compatibility.
Trust Is The Base Of Any Relation
Shreya asks,
I have been going around with a guy for last 6 months and am planning to get married. One of our common friends went and told him something indecent about me (which is not true) and now my BF doesn't trust me anymore. He told me that he is not able to trust me completely and he needs some time to think about it. Should I move on or wait for him to come back?
Dear Shreya,
It is unfortunate that a false communication has led to a strain in your relationship. Things like this always keep happening in life - true or false; people keep passing comments on others without caring about the implications. What matters is the level of trust between your partner and you. If he begins to lose trust in you, then love has no meaning; the relationship will be on a downslide. For now I suggest, give him some time. Moving on is not a switch on or switch off button, it's a process. Wait for a while, reorganize your thoughts about him, see how he behaves and thinks, and then take your decision. But always remember: respect and trust are the utmost in a relationship so make sure they are present in yours.
Be Assertive In Relationship
Pooja asks,
I have a question regarding intercultural marriage. I am engaged to a Punjabi man, it is a love match; he has lived abroad for 5yrs now and I have never been abroad my whole life. We met while at work. I am from Bengal. We are trying to organize the wedding, however I have been feeling very frustrated, at the progress so far. By request from his family we are having the wedding in Punjab, however I don't feel like they realize what a sacrifice it is to go to a place so unfamiliar (we thought since it was important for them to have it there we would oblige), but now when we discuss how the wedding will take place I feel that they are uncompromising in accepting my culture. They want all other ceremonies; gift giving according to their rituals. I thought culturally the bride's side takes responsibility for the wedding, and would get a say in how it is done. They are even adamant about the dates of the wedding, I understand that there will be some differences, but they are not realizing that I am leaving my home and spending a lot of money just to go there, shouldn't they be considering my sentiments and culture as well? I have spoken to my fiancée but he seems helpless, as he doesn't want to upset them. Please any advice would be great; this is becoming a major strain on our relationship.
Dear Pooja,
I can surely understand your plight. Marriage is about adjustment and compromise; however not at the cost of your happiness. We usually get married once and we should be happy and satisfied with what we are doing. Cross culture marriages are not easy and you have already started feeling the strain of differences. True, both sides need to adjust and make amends and bends for satisfying the other. However the adjustments should be mutual.
If your fiancé agrees with you and still can't say anything because he has no say; it is not correct. Have an open discussion with him; tell him honestly and deeply how you are feeling about the whole scenario and how you would like if your views are also respected. See what he says and gauge his response. You are the best judge here to analyze how much your partner respects you. If you don't seem to be getting that, then your marriage is strained even before it has happened. So take time out to have a conversation with him and try to put forth your viewpoint. Don't be aggressive or submissive, be assertive.
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