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Before You Say 'I Do'
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Dr. Shefali Batra
Is a Psychiatrist, Psychotherapist and Counsellor. Her focus is on premarital counselling, she guides couples through compatibility checks with ratings, sex education, marital disharmony and adoption counselling. Visit her website: www.mindframes.co.in for more info. Have a question? Click here...
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'I do'
These are 2 of the shortest words in the English dictionary, yet they carry an extraordinarily heavy load of weight for a lifetime of the individuals who say them.
Marriage, the most gigantic commitment of existence, sometimes turns out to be the most stupendous of sacraments; leading to destruction of lives of the couple. People today are marrying in haste and subsequently walking out in haste as well. The soaring divorce rates in India are astounding; but walking out is not the best option for either member of the marital dyad.
It leaves behind social, emotional and psychological scarring which is difficult to mend. It would be so much more desirable that couples had an idea of their future ahead so they make the appropriate decision before they tie the nuptial knot, rather than realise later that they were 'simply not meant for each other!'.
It has been rightly said,
'What goes on early in the relationship predicts what will happen later. Love does NOT conquer all.'
Needless to say, there is no underestimation of the power of love here; however an understanding of compatibility has much to offer in the prediction of tensions and differences that can crop up in the relationship; which does not continue to be as rosy and beautiful as it was before marriage.
Compatibility is a concept that describes the long-term interaction between individuals in terms of ease and comfort of communication. While couples today look at astrological, religious, parental, financial and physical harmony prior to marriage, the idea of Inter-personal compatibility ideally must surpass all these. Sometimes the partners trick each other into the marriage for the wrong reasons, only to realise later that it's 'just not working'.
Pre marital compatibility checks are performed using test instruments that involve questions pertaining to the personality, temper, perspectives, beliefs and attitudes of the couple looking at marriage. They involve a practical understanding of deeper concept like finance, children, sex, family roles, work, leisure, religion, intimacy, conflict resolution and the like. Such instruments are standardized and validated; and offer convincing predictive outcomes to long-term relationships.
Compatibility check instruments put a wealth of data on the fingertips of the couple. They divide couples into categories, which pinpoint the strength and weaknesses in different aspects of their relationship.
For example, some questions pertain to how much the partners agree with each other on simple trivial day-to-day issues. The old saying stated that opposites attract, however psychological research has repeatedly proven beyond doubt that similarities in nature and perspectives is what keeps people together in the long run. So a high score on agreeability shows that the couple is good with communication and can solve problems together.
At the same time, a low score on agreeability indicates that compatibility can be attained if the couple is willing to discuss the issues productively. This would require a match on the scores of temperament. Thus the compatibility check gives an objective understanding of ALL aspects that are required in a fruitful and satisfying relationship.
Truly, there are countless questions that the partners may want to ask each other before marriage but never get around to actually doing so. In such cases it is best to let someone else do the asking!
It is also imperative to understand that such instruments do not give a red or green light to marriages. Ethically and professionally, it would be imprudent to do that. However, it is a promising start, that hurdles and obstacles in the relationship can be detected; and guidance can be given to the couple in that area to make progress so as to direct them towards a 'happily ever after' marriage.
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