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Get ready for an arranged marriage
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Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat
Bhuvaneshwari Bhagat is a professional Marriage & Family counselor with a practice based in Manhattan. She offers traditional methods of counseling as well as other creative counseling techniques for those who are not located nearby (i.e. telephone, email and instant messaging)
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Suggest counselling
Bhawna asks,
We have been married for about 5 years now. Early years were a lot of adjustments for me as my husband is very short tempered. We have a son but I feel I cannot relate to my husband. He never discusses anything with me. He always tries to escape me and this hurts me a lot. Taking divorce is a big step for me and I don't want it. Please help.
Dear Bhawna,
Seek marriage counselling. This will enable you both to rebuild your relationship. Express your unhappiness and suggest counselling.
Not ready to marry
Ramna asks,
I'm 21 yrs and am going to be married soon, but I do not feel any charm in married life. Is there anything which may stimulate my sexual desires as at present. I'm not a stranger to serious relationship but never married.
Dear Ramna,
You are young and may not necessarily be inclined towards a settled commitment. Maybe you should not be getting married if you are not interested as yet. I am also not clear with your statement that you are not a stranger to serious relationship but never married? Do you intend to say that you are usually interested in men but currently this marriage doesn't excite you the most? Or are you sure of your sexuality and hence you know you want to be married but not maybe to this person? Whatever it is if you feel that you do not feel excited and do not share a good chemistry with the guy you are going to marry, my suggestion is to wait. Do not rush and get married to someone for whom you do not have any feelings. Take your time.
Knowing each other
Sachin asks,
I'm thinking of getting married now and my parents are looking for girls. They have found a girl and want me to talk to her and get to know her. But I'm a little nervous and want to start the conversation right. How does one go about it? Plus she is similar to my age and has a PhD and it's a little intimidating, not sure why. Also, in the future how do you go about talking to someone for the first time when you know that you both are talking about getting to know each other for marriage purpose.
Dear Sachin,
Look at it this way, a common platform has already been created for the two of you. Hence you can pick straight on the topic of being married to start a conversation or talk about things that are more close to you like - What kind of a person are you? What do you like to do in general while not working? What do you do for fun? Also, it is about not just questions but also to share some of what you like and believe in a person and relationship respectively. Talk about things you like to do and what you would like in your marriage. Do not feel self conscious, look at it from a simple angle of two individuals who are getting together to see if they have common interests, attraction and would like to spend the rest of their lives together. So, feel confident, and do not feel intimidated. She is of your age group so look at the positives, you can talk about things that you have grown up with from TV shows to movies, to relevant political times.
Shed your anxieties about arranged marriages or set ups, and walk into it with confidence. You know you want to be married, you may not be very sure about the kind of person you want, but then when you start this process, that will become clearer as you meet the person. Also, shed stereotypes of what a woman should be like etc, go with an open mind and if you don't like someone, be honest and let them know that this might not work. If you find someone interesting, seek another meeting and see if you are compatible in more than just a few areas. To put it simplistically, you will know it when you meet someone whom you would like to spend the rest of your life with. You will be happy, would want to talk to the person for long hours and you will start to care about her. Good luck!
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