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Her past scares me
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Baby talk
Preity asks,
I am a 38 year old childless divorcee married to a 48 years old divorcee who has two grown up sons. Before marriage I had discussed with him about our having a baby for which he agreed but now after marriage he isn't showing interest in sexual relationship and is not interested in having a baby. What do I do?
Dear Preity,
That's a difficult and unpleasant situation to be in. Work on improving your relationship with him. If the two of you got married on the understanding that he was willing to have a child, then he is most certainly going back on his word. Not showing interest in sexual relationship is a more serious matter, and not one that can be easily ignored. Maybe he thought that once you marry him you will not persist in wanting to have a child; but since you are, he is avoiding sexual relations. If that is the case, tell him that the two of you need to discuss this, preferably in the presence of a marriage counsellor. Maybe he has some reason for going back on his word. Perhaps, he thinks that you married him only so as to have a baby and is feeling manipulated or used by you.
Whatever be the reason for his behaviour, I suggest that you give him some time, especially if he feels that starting a new family will be a pressure on him. Try to understand where he is coming from. If he is coming from insecurity, give him the assurance he looks for. Discuss at length the implications of having a child - financial and psychological. All this can be very effectively done with the help of a counsellor.
If the two of you love each other and, prior to marriage, you had found him to be a warm and caring person, chances are that he needs some reassurance on what the future will be like with a new family. Perhaps he is not very good at communicating assertively, and rather than talk about his fears, he hides behind behaviour that is non-assertive and withdrawn. If you can reach out to him, you may discover that he is willing to reconsider his decision.
Ghost from the past
Samuel asks,
I have been engaged with a woman who had unfortunately a serious past for a long time. Her parents were shot dead and her boy friends and then her husband treated her badly. I have been continuously dating and knowing this woman for past 6 months and planning to get married. I do love her and so does she. The only problem is that even though I try to be patient and good to her, at times she would compare me with her past. Despite strong feelings and understanding for each other, her past sometimes scare me and hurts my feelings. Just help us so that we can have a successful relationship and future.
Dear Samuel,
Yes, it must be scary for you to have to deal with her when she brings up the past and compares you to someone from her past. Obviously, she has had a traumatic past and has not really come to terms with it. She is understandably carrying emotional baggage from the past and unless she offloads her baggage, she will have difficulty in relating to any man she loves, not just you. So, be aware that however kind, patient and understanding you are towards her, she will mistrust you or test you until she learns to cope with whatever it is that she needs to look at and "let go."
It is important that she undergoes psychotherapy not just for the sake of the relationship that you two have. She must do so for her sake, not your's. What you can do is be supportive and empathic. A cognitive behaviour therapist who counsels her would also guide you as regards how to deal with her. Sometimes the partner functions as an 'enabler' in the pathology - he feels sorry and gives inappropriate attention for mal-adaptive behaviour that should be understood, but not reinforced. So since you love her, tell her that you will be supportive of her as a person, but if this relationship is to grow and flourish she must be willing to be in therapy.
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