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Is your partner bored of you?
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Afraid of sex
Nitin Pahwa asks,
I got married couple of weeks back and we have not consummated our marriage as my wife says she is not comfortable with me and also afraid of the act. She says she needs time, but I feel upset, ignored and lonely due to lack of intimacy. What can I do to convince her?
Dear Nitin,
Women tend to have slightly different attitudes toward sex as compared to men. For many men having sexual relations with a complete stranger is not difficult, whereas for women it is important to know, love and respect the man she is physically intimate with. If your's is an arranged marriage then the two of you are relative strangers to each other. It may not be easy for your wife to just submit to physical intimacies, and perhaps she does need more time. How about the two of you getting to know each other before plunging into sex? Go out together, talk, share your views of life, watch movies or plays together, and so on. Also, how about being willing to indulge in loving acts of touching, holding and hugging with no pressure or expectation on your wife that it must culminate in intercourse?
Perhaps when your wife sees that you love her and are gentle with her, she might find it easier to relax and put aside her fears. Let sex be an interaction, not an act - communicate with each other, find out what responses your wife likes, and similarly let her know what you like. If she is naïve about sexual matters gift her a good book on sex and maybe the two of you could read it together. In case your wife does not change over time, insist on a visit for the two of you to a sex therapist / counsellor, or a clinical psychologist who will help her to address her fears and inhibitions, and overcome them.
Bored partner
Karina asks,
Is there anything like commitment phobia? I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months, we love each other very much. But he says the same spark is no longer there so he cannot commit. Please advise.
Dear Karina,
If you two love each other immensely you need not worry too much. There may be some realistic basis in what your boyfriend says. Studies show that about two to five years after marriage, couples report that passion decreases, but not necessarily love. So, maybe your boyfriend does not feel as passionate as he used to, although it does seem a little too soon for the passion or "spark" to be dying down.
It is essential for the two of you to keep the love, and the relationship, alive. If your's is predominantly a physical relationship then it is more likely for one, or both of you, to tire of it. A mature relationship requires psychological elements apart from mere physical intimacies. In a good relationship there is a meeting of the minds. When two partners have a lot in common such as interests, values, activities, dreams, and hopes they find that they communicate better and do not easily feel bored. This does not mean talking all the time. Even silence can be shared in comfort and ease.
If, however, your boyfriend cannot commit and seems to be moving away from you, you may need to review the relationship. Perhaps he is the superficial kind, one who gets easily bored and needs to move on to new or different things, or persons. Maybe the love he experiences for you has more of a physical basis than a psycho-spiritual one. You could give him a time frame, say six months, in which to make the commitment decision, failing which you could "let go" of him and get on with your life, however painful or difficult it might be to do so.
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