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My husband likes to date women on Net!
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Cheating husband
Prutha asks,
I'm married since nine years. I know that my husband has got a woman since last six years. She is 12 years older then him and both of them are denying about having any relationship. He is also involved with some bar dancer. But I'm so much stuck with two kids and have no family here. Don't know what to do. Can you help me?
Dear Prutha,
I sense your helplessness in the face of your predicament. However, helplessness prevents smart or wise thinking. So I suggest that you ask yourself what you would choose to do if you had a magic wand that would make all your wishes come true, regardless of your circumstances. For instance, if you had all the monetary resources, the support of society and the psychological strength to do so, would you have divorced your husband and made a separate home for yourself and your children? If your response were an unequivocal 'Yes,' then it would appear that that's what you truly should be heading towards. Many of us get stuck in a bad situation by sheer default - we stop thinking when we anticipate that we are incapable of bringing about what we truly wish for. At the first sign of a roadblock we crumble or give up the journey altogether, and stay resigned to the situation. Hence we never come to know what we deeply want - we have numbed our will to change and even the courage to dream.
Please remember that there are women's groups out there that are happy and willing to guide women in your kind of situation. They not only extend moral support for bringing about a change in your circumstances, they also guide you with regard to how you can get employed, or get help for your children (if they are in school), and also how to obtain a loan or find accommodation, get legal aid, and so on. If you are living in a city you will be happy to discover that there are many sincere and effective organisations run by and for women. A social worker would probably be able to put you in touch with such groups. The least you can do is consult these groups and find out for yourself whether help is available. I wish you all the best in your endeavour.
Contradictory feelings
May asks,
I loved someone and when we broke up I found out that he only fooled me. Now his girlfriend is my friend. Is it ok that we can be friends with his girl friend? What is this I'm feeling? I always think of him, and I guess I don't love him anymore.
Dear May,
Huh? What was that again? You say that you "always think of him," and in the same breath you guess that you "don't love him anymore." Isn't this a big contradiction? Please wake up to your reality. Get in touch with your true feelings. Do you still love him or not? I wonder whether your becoming friends with his current girlfriend is reflective of a desire to 'stay connected' with him. When you interact with her you not only get to hear about him, you can also vicariously experience him as a boyfriend. If this is what you are doing, please refrain from it. Not only are you setting yourself up for immense pain, you are also prolonging the process of coming to terms with the fact that your relationship with him is over, and that you have to get on with your life. Perhaps, you are subconsciously hoping to keep his memory of you alive through his girlfriend's discussions (with him) about you. You may even be inadvertently using this girlfriend to 'convey' your views and feelings to him.
Whatever it is, if you do know in your heart that you have not yet gotten over your boyfriend, it makes good sense to discontinue this friendship with his girlfriend.
Net loss
Lisa asks,
Why men tend to date and seek relationships on Net when they have a wife and kids at home whom he loves dearly. My husband likes to date women on the Net and asks for cam-to-cam scene...what does this mean? Is he going beyond these after watching gals on cam and meeting them personally?
Dear Lisa,
There are several reasons why men (and sometimes women) indulge in online relationships with the opposite sex, even when they seem to love their spouses. Some of these reasons are: 1) They are just plain bored and looking for a way to pass the time; 2) they need high levels of stimulation and look for it in such relationships that afford them the safety of not having to meet in face-to-face encounters if they choose not to; 3) ego trips - they experience ego boosts from knowing that someone out there is interested in being friends with them, or better still, feels romantically inclined towards them; these are individuals who have a low self-esteem; and having online friends of the opposite sex enhances their self-esteem, each 'conquest' giving them the good feeling they look for.
However, one does not really need such online relationships if one is happy and fulfilled in one's work, one's relationships and life. Maybe you could talk with your husband and tell him how much it hurts you that he spends time on such online friendships. Better still, if he is not open to what you say, suggest that the two of you consult a marriage counsellor so that you can reflect on whether there is a deeper problem and also on why your husband feels the need to do what he does.
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Dr. Laura Vaz
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