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Should I marry a younger guy?
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Jealous friend
Rebeccah asks,
I had always been told that I'm beautiful and sexy and I have a good personality. I'm convinced about that. Now I have this new friend whom everyone seems to be attracted to including the man I'm dating! I never thought of her as that beautiful or that attractive. My concern is that everywhere we go nobody looks at me and she gets all the attention. This is affecting my confidence. Sometimes I refuse going out with her as this makes me feel so jealous. I don't know if this has any connection with her previous situation - she's been raped three times before, she can be very careless with her life at times, she drinks a lot and passes out afterwards or goes away with a strange man. My question is: What is it that makes men get so much attracted to her? How can I regain my confidence and attractiveness?
Dear Rebeccah,
The questions you raised are valid if you are looking for superficial happiness - one that is fleeting, dependent on external factors, fickle and self-defeating in the long run. You say you've always been told that you are beautiful and sexy. You know you have a good personality and you are convinced about that. The truth is that if you are convinced about it, you will not be so affected when you see that men seem to be more attracted to this friend than to you.
It should not really matter that she gets more attention. At the most, you would have noted the fact that men are attracted to her, but that would not have shaken your confidence regarding your own good looks. When we feel secure within (and about) ourselves we do not compare ourselves negatively to others. Jealousy is a reflection of insecurity; and competing with others on matters like looks or achievement can lead to stress, lack of sleep and low self-esteem.
Even if this friend were more beautiful or attractive than you, it does not mean that you should negate all the good feelings you have had about yourself in the past. Please remember that there is no such thing as 'perfect looks' or the 'perfect person.' An Aishwarya Rai can feel inferior about Sushmita Sen's good legs, and a Sushmita Sen can covet Aishwarya Rai's beautiful eyes. Comparisons can go on endlessly and we could make ourselves miserable if we succumb to such weaknesses. So make that decision to be appreciative of your own good looks and "let go" of odious comparisons with this friend of yours.
Incidentally, if this friend has been raped three times, is careless about her safety, drinks to the point of helplessness/losing consciousness, and can go out with a stranger, it is quite probable that she has self-destructive tendencies. It is also quite likely that through her body language she sends out subtle signals to men that she is reckless and available. Wouldn't that be part of the "charm" or attraction that all the guys are falling for?
Whatever may be the reason that men feel drawn to her, it is important that you consciously and actively begin to acknowledge your own good looks and daily give yourself affirmative statements to that effect. And if your boyfriend indulges in behaviour that hurts you, such as staring at her or flirting with her, it may be a good idea to speak to him about how you feel.
Religion and marriage
Monika asks,
My good friend proposed me after 5 months of my break up with my boyfriend. I always liked my friend's company. He is very loving and caring. He showed me all those feelings that I wanted to see in my boyfriend and I said yes to his proposal. It has been four months now and our relationship is going well except one big problem. He wants me to convert to his religion because according to Islam he can't marry me otherwise. I really don't want to convert. He said he can't convert to my religion but wants me to convert to his. What should I do? It's hard to face another break up.
Dear Monika,
I am glad that in contrast to your ex-boyfriend, your current friend loves you and cares deeply about you. I hope that you are responding to him not merely because it feels good to have someone who is genuinely interested in you and gives you so much love, attention and importance, but also because you are developing similar feelings of love towards him. I also think that you should work at "letting go" of the feelings you have had for your ex-boyfriend so that you can be truly open to the depth of love that is necessary for a good, committed relationship.
On the matter of conversion though, I am not at all convinced of the need for it. In my opinion, conversion is justified only on one ground - conviction. To convert to another religion for marriage is a practical but not a principled decision. If the two of you truly love each other and have the ability to weather the social and familial storms that mixed marriages face, there would be no need for either of you to convert to the other's religion. Maturity, tolerance and psychological strength will enable you to respect both the religions and let each other feel free to follow the rituals of his/her religion. It is important to decide before marriage, whether your children will be brought up according to: a) your faith; b) his faith; or c) be allowed to choose which faith to adopt at the age of 18.
While I never advocate changing one's religion for the sake of marriage, I am aware of persons who have done so and not regretted their choice. So, it is up to you to make whatever decision you are comfortable to live with. Think carefully before you decide something that will affect your life in a really big way.
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