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Does age make any difference?
Kalpana asks,
I am in a relation with a guy, the problem is I am a Maharashtrian and he is a Bengali. We want to get married but my parents are not for it. They are not even ready to meet him. His family members have no problem with our relationship. Does it make any difference if the girl is elder than the boy?
Dear Kalpana,
Aren't your parents just prejudiced?
Having said that, I guess we have to acknowledge that such strongly prejudicial attitudes do exist and while we cannot do much about that, surely we can make a decision not to subscribe to them ourselves. So, how about approaching a respected elder, a relative or family friend from the Maharashtrian community, one who is broad-minded and willing to talk to your parents about your intention to marry this boy? If that does not work, I guess you two will have to work towards becoming financially stable and psychologically strong enough to withstand parental objections and go ahead with your decision to get married. Since his family accepts you, it should not be too difficult to do so.
There is nothing wrong with the girl being older than the boy especially if you two are okay with it and do not let others convince you otherwise. Traditionally, men were the bread-winners and so they had to be older, more mature and financially stable before they could venture into marriage, whereas girls only needed to be able to bear a child in order to get married. In today's world, more and more women are working outside the home and therefore the traditional age-difference requirement no longer holds.
I love him, but he is engaged to someone.
Aashi asks,
I am in love with a guy who is already engaged and his fiancé is not in the country. We have been out thrice to a restaurant. I used to see him whenever I went for my medical appointment. He is the doctor who was handling my medical documents. We became friends and once I had asked him if he has someone in his life, he said no and later I came to know from external sources that he is already engaged. When I told him about his engagement he agreed and said that even though he is engaged he is single. We continue to be friends. Recently when I told him that I am in love. He has encouraged me to reveal my feelings to him. He never made any comments about my revelation, I told him that I love him but he never made any remarks but we continued to sms. I am confused I don't know what to do. Please help me cause I really love him.
Dear Aashi,
As I understand it, this doctor friend whom you love: 1) lied to you when he denied that there was someone in his life, 2) had no qualms about playing with words and indulged in an obvious contradiction when he stated that he was engaged and also single; apart of course from also insulting your intelligence in expecting you to accept that contradiction, and 3) has no scruples about playing with your feelings. He is willing to let you reveal your love for him, and does not care about the fact that in encouraging you to do so, he is letting you eventually undergo immense feelings of hurt and rejection.
On the other hand, individuals can choose to be ethical or unethical. While we do not have the power to control what they do, we can surely take charge of our own lives and how we respond. Please remember that this man does not have the power to hurt or manipulate you, unless you give him that power. Difficult as it might seem, you can choose to stop seeing him, to recognise that he does not really care, that he wants to eat his cake and have it too, and that therefore your love for him is doomed from the start. In actuality, it is you who are setting yourself up for a rejection, since you are fully cognizant of what he is doing.
I urge you to reflect on whether you love and respect yourself. If you truly do, then you will recognise that it is futile to go ahead with this 'friendship.' Remember that in this relationship with him you are vulnerable since the two of you are not equals: You love him, he does not love you-at least not in the way you do. So, potentially you are much more vulnerable to feelings of hurt and rejection. Romantic love must be based on reciprocity. One-sided romantic love is self-damaging and futile. Reflect on why it is that you love him. Perhaps, what you feel for him is attachment or physical attraction. In the absence of reciprocity, you should examine the love you feel and challenge its continuance. Try to fall back on your self-respect so as to make it easy to let go of those feelings.
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Dr. Laura Vaz
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