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Love heralds: know holds barr
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Problem is the religion
V Sudhir asks,
I am deeply in love with a Christian girl, but the problem is mainly because of the religion factor. She is confused and unable to decide about this relationship because of her parents who are so dedicated towards Christ. But I have no issues, because for me God is one and I have no hatred towards Christianity. I am really suffering because of this. Can you help?
Dear Sudhir,
Today mixed marriages are more acceptable and common in our country than a decade ago, and quite a number of them are happy and successful. The problem arises when one of the partners expects the other to convert to his or her religion and the other one is unwilling to do so. Ideally, no one should have to convert to another religion for reason of marriage, because conviction should be the only justification for religious conversion, not coercion, compulsion or convenience.
What does your girlfriend want? Does she need more time to think it out? Does she need you to convert to Christianity? Have the two of you talked about peacefully letting each other follow his/her religion and promising not to get into arguments or quarrels over religion? What about if you have children? Have you discussed whether you will allow the children to be brought up according to a particular faith or let them decide for themselves after they reach 18 years of age?
Give your girlfriend a time frame in which to decide whether she will marry you. If she continues to stay undecided, I guess you will have to do your best to get on with your life. Your suffering is understandable, but there is no easy solution to this problem. Sometimes a period of separation - that is, a break from each other - in which you think things over, does facilitate reaching a decision.
Please keep in mind that love alone is not enough for a marriage to work. If the two of you think that the issue of religion as well as that of cultural differences which often accompany mixed-religion marriages cannot be resolved and that you will be constantly battling over such matters, it might be best for the two of you to go your separate ways.
Tired of women
Jason Bourne asks,
I am in a relationship with my girlfriend of 22 years. I "love" her, but there are times when I feel that we are very different because of our opposite sexes. She is so much like a "girl", and I am so much like a "guy". I am sexually very straight, but I am tired of "women". My ideal female mate would be Helen Hunt in any of her movies - intelligent, quirky, well educated, strong willed, emotionally stable and enjoys a scintillating conversation about politics, history, or the stock market. If I had a choice, I'd have a purely physical relationship without any emotional bindings with a woman, and spend all of my time with my male buddies. I am like most men, watch sports, enjoy an occasional beer, and love fast cars and jet-skis. Is it possible for a man to get "tired" of women?
Dear Jason,
Don't you sound like Prof Henry Higgins in 'My Fair Lady?' in the movie version of G.B. Shaw's Pygmalion? Men have traditionally lamented against women being women, and we smile indulgently. But, more importantly, is it fair?
Of course you have the right to want a female friend who reflects Helen Hunt's depiction of the highly intelligent woman. So, what's stopping you from dating the 'intelligent, quirky, ...' types? My guess is that deep down you do know that a woman who does find the time to become the kind you look for will have little or no time for all the other wonderful things that women generally do-for instance, she'd have almost no time to be caring, sharing, listening, supporting and empowering others. Fortunately, things have changed in the last two decades, thanks in part to the women's movement. Hence, nowadays you are more likely to find the androgynous person (I dislike the term 'metrosexual' as I find it rather inappropriate). There are plenty of women (and men) out there who possess a good mix of the best qualities of what are traditionally considered 'masculine' and 'feminine' traits.
On the other hand, are you sure of what you want? Perhaps, it's just that you are unwilling to tolerate your girlfriend's weaknesses. What about all her good qualities? Maybe you are doing exactly what we psychologists (Check out, for example, Dr John Gray's book: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) strongly advocate against: You are attracted to someone because of certain qualities she possesses, but then you are not willing to let her be her normal, spontaneous self. Instead, you want to change her into your image of what she should be.
I wonder whether you and your girlfriend get into healthy communication whereby, without putting each other down, you share openly, give feedback about your feelings for and expectations of each other, and lovingly reinforce each other to grow and change. I also wonder whether you truly love your girlfriend. Maybe she has become a 'habit' that you feel comfortable around. If you truly love your girlfriend, you would be willing to accept those traits that are 'feminine' by tradition and yet, through gentle and loving feedback encourage her to change those that you find difficult to tolerate.
In lighter vein, if you, "like most men, watch sports, enjoy an occasional beer, and love fast cars, and jet-skis", then pray, who gets to do the dishes, clean the baby's bottom, keep a reasonably good house, and so on? You say given a choice you would have a purely physical relationship without emotional binding with a woman. Perhaps, you fight shy of responsibilities, or of making the long-term commitment that goes with setting up a home. I'd say, take a deep look into yourself and examine why, despite loving your girlfriend, you are hesitant to accept her as she is.
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