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Empathy in Marriage
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Many marriages flounder because of lack of empathy. Very broadly speaking,empathy means 'understanding another person's feelings.' But there are different levels of understanding that people manifest
At the lowest level, for instance, Satish understands that Purnima is angry when she shouts. Satish is also aware that Purnima is angry because he came home three hours later than promised and now they cannot go for the movie as planned. However, if he wonders why she is 'overreacting,' we may infer that he is low on empathy.
At a slightly higher level, Satish realizes that Purnima is angry because she feels let down. He understands that anger can result from the experience of being let down, and thinks a simple explanation should suffice. However Purnima seems to be even angrier that Satish should think so. Again, Satish falls short on empathy.
What then is empathic understanding?
Empathy is the ability to put oneself in the other person's shoes, to perceive or view the situation as if one were that person, without losing one's identity or one's psychological bearings. In other words, I understand you as if I am you; yet I am fully me, I do not lose my objectivity. I may not agree with you and I may not experience your feelings, but I understand and respect your right to your feelings. In the above example, if Satish perceives and understands Purnima's anger as well as respects her right to be angry, and he communicates this understanding to her, he is being an empathic person.
One more:
Let's take another example: Renu tells her husband Mahesh that she is sick and tired of cooking. Mahesh who loves his wife, tells her that she should take a break from cooking for the next few days as they can order food from out. Renu is a little irritated as she replies, "Don't be silly, we just can't afford to waste money like that." Mahesh hastens to assure her that if she got the needed break from cooking, buying food from out would certainly not be a waste of money. Renu snaps at him: "Who the heck said I wanted a break from cooking?" Now it's Mahesh's turn to be angry. "Look Renu I am just trying to be helpful and understanding, you don't have to fly off the handle, okay?" Renu now quite upset, retorts, "why do you always give me advice even when I'm not asking for it?" Mahesh is puzzled and hurt at that. Before they know it they've both gotten into an argument, followed by sulks, and two or three days of tense silence.
Of course, since they do love each other they will eventually resume talking, but interactions like these take a toll on their long-term relationship.
A psychological post-mortem:
Let's do a psychological post-mortem on this bit of conversation, which led to a temporary deadening of love: When Renu said she was fed up with cooking, Mahesh instantly, and perhaps with little awareness, jumped to the conclusion that
- Renu has a problem and that
- He must provide a solution.
Why else would he offer a solution in the form of the suggestion he made?
On the other hand, had Mahesh been an empathic person he would have understood, or have tried to understand, Renu. For instance, he would have said, "I guess you do feel fed up with cooking every single day," or something to that effect. Or else he might even have asked a question like "what do you mean?" so as to understand her better or merely to draw her out. Had he done so, Renu might have felt understood and said something like, "cooking on a daily basis is a grind. Sometimes I get tired of it, especially when I am not feeling too well, like today." That's when Mahesh could have found out more about how she was feeling and shown his concern. Which is probably all that Renu needed at that point in time-care and concern, receiving which might actually have made her feel better. What she probably required in the first place was to vent out and to feel understood and affirmed by him. By 'rushing in' to help without first listening to Renu, Mahesh ended up giving unsolicited advice, thereby temporarily derailing the relationship.
Alternative therapy:
Let's examine how Renu could have responded differently, and assertively. When Mahesh suggested she take a break from cooking, instead of saying "Don't be silly..." Renu could have said, "Mahesh I am not looking for a solution and I do not have a major problem. All I want is for you to understand what I'm feeling right now." Had she done so she would have kept the interaction right on track, would most probably have received the support and assurance she was seeking and would have strengthened the relationship further.
Unfortunately, we do not receive training in one of the most important areas of life-interpersonal communication. Nevertheless it's not too late to learn.
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Dr. Laura Vaz
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