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Compatibility: The litmus test of a good marriage?
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Sexual concerns
While the above is true in part, there is more to it than that. During marital counselling, sexual behaviour receives important focus and the couple is encouraged to share what they think is wrong with their marriage. The husband may complain that he is not getting enough sex, or that his wife is not very 'cooperative' during intercourse, or that she is too inhibited to manifest some of the sexual responses he desires. The wife may complain that she feels like a "slut" when he touches her and could he please give it up, they are too "old" for that kind of thing now. Whenever I encounter such complaints I am aware that we are looking at a deeper problem, not one that is simplistically identified as sexual incompatibility. The problem lies in the relationship, in the attitude towards sex (which is often influenced at an early age), in the lack of or breakdown in communication, and so on.
For instance, when we examine the couple's attitudes towards sex we often uncover the misconceptions, they harbour, and the negative approach they have in their understanding of sexual behaviour. When couples express their views freely and recognize their errors or misperceptions, change is virtually imminent. For instance, in a traditional society, a woman thinks, and often resents, that she has to "give" sex to her husband whose prerogative it is to "enjoy" it. The man thinks that sex is an "act" from which he has to derive maximum satisfaction and for which his wife must cooperate. Once the two of them realize, through the counseling process, that sex is an expression of love, is not an act but an interaction, an interaction in which both are equal partners in a relationship, and where you cannot read the other's mind but must willingly and happily give feedback to the other about what feels good and what is desirable, the process of sexual encounter begins to change for them. The two of them begin to appreciate the time they spend together, and become invested in each other's enjoyment as much as their own. The focus is on giving and receiving rather than only on receiving.
Good communication: the key
Not surprisingly, good communication, within the marriage, is an essential requirement for good sexual life. Husbands and wives who have not been communicating appropriately in the marriage can never hope to enjoy a deep, fulfilling sexual life. If we define physical relations within marriage, as an interaction, and not as an act, as something to look forward to in togetherness, and not as the quickly grabbed opportunity, to express some inner biological need, we begin to perceive how important it is for them to change the way they communicate.
Fortunately, in the last few decades psychologists have researched a great deal on what entails good and clear communication. Through marriage counseling couples learn listening and empathic skills, assertive expression, how to reduce games-playing, and so on. As communication between husband and wife improve, they feel closer to each other, than before, and sex no longer becomes the rushed, get-it-over-with job to be attended to. They enjoy healthy foreplay and can talk about how they feel and what it is they really want. For the first time, they seek enjoyment rather than mere pleasure and discover the true depth of sex as an expression of love and romantic friendship. The wife who "hated" sex now welcomes it, because for the first time she feels like an important participant. The husband who complained that he was reduced to a "beggar" when all he wanted was his conjugal rights, now finds that his enjoyment is enhanced because his partner desires it as much as he does.
So, time and again, through the process of marriage counseling, couples become aware of the fact that it is not sexual incompatibility that causes their marriage to be a bad one, but a plethora of other reasons-such as unrealistic expectations, poor communication, and unwillingness to work at making the marriage successful-that serve as underlying factors.
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Dr. Laura Vaz
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