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With or without you
How to deal with unrequited love
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"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love... and be loved in return."
These are my favourite lines, from my favourite film Moulin Rouge. As much as I agree with this, I also have to point out that not always will the person you love, love you in return.
The bitter truth
Meenakshi says she has been in love with a married man, with children, for four years. She has uncalled for jealousy for the man's wife, and sincerely thinks she can be a better mother to his children. She hasn't had the courage to tell the man that she fancies him. Nor has her love been reciprocated in any way. Meenakshi however, believes that if she patiently waits on, the day will come when the man will leave his wife for her. She considers him the 'love of her life' and rejects all proposals.
Ravi's girlfriend rejected him after he was unable to clear his graduation twice. She left him for a guy who had completed his Engineering and had a well-paid job. He wrote several unanswered letters to his girlfriend, saying that he would always love her and tried to keep tabs on her life even after she got married. To get over the hurt of this broken relationship he dated girls randomly and even entered into simultaneous physical relationships with many of them. He wooed the girls with expensive gifts, and also promised a few of them marriage but deliberately didn't commit himself to any one girl. At the end of it he felt 'happy' that he "had taught many girls a lesson by breaking their hearts" but went on worshipping his ex-girlfriend and put her on a pedestal.
Asha tried to take her life after three guys she liked told her that they didn't feel romantic towards her. She thought that she was extremely unattractive to be rejected by three men consecutively. She felt that she was unlovable and would therefore always be alone. The thought of leading a singleton's life was a nightmare to her and therefore was to be hastily ended.
Reel life
'Unrequited love' or 'love which is not reciprocated, though reciprocation is desired', has prevailed in all ages and fills up much of the space in 'Agony Aunt' columns of our times. It's not just teenagers, but people of all ages, both married and unmarried who may go through unrequited love. In fiction unrequited lovers have often become unforgettable characters - be it Sarat Chandra Chattopadhayay's, 'Devdas', who drinks himself to death after not being able to be with his childhood sweetheart Paro, or the sinister Miss. Havisham who adopts a daughter and raises her to cunningly break men's hearts just because her lover had called off the wedding. In real life, unrequited love may bring about bizarre reactions in lovers - it could range from being the silent lover who never seems to muster enough courage to propose to the beloved, to the angst-filled suitor who will even try to seriously injure, mutilate or murder the person who has said no.
Understanding
One may ponder over why some people can easily get over an episode of unrequited love with maturity, whereas others resort to extreme reactions. Says Liza Misra, a psychotherapist, "People who can accept no, have an emotional maturity to understand that it is a question of preference and not a personal rejection. Moreover, rejection does not mean that the person is unattractive. Those who dwell on feelings of unrequited love are generally those who assume that true love is necessary for ultimate happiness and this need to love before one can feel happy is called dependency."
The stages
Interestingly, unrequited love can actually last a very long time, for many years or even decades - paradoxically the lover's feelings usually reach a breaking point as they continue to deepen. Unrequited love may end when the lover receives reciprocation from the loved (consummation), develops less intense feelings for the loved (starvation), or channels his / her feelings towards another, more reciprocating person (transformation).
Face the music
When asked how a person can get over the bitterness and hurt of an episode of unrequited love, Delhi based writer on spirituality, Swati Chopra, answers, "I think instead of trying to numb the hurt by hurling oneself into work or wild
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