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Mom, I don't agree
Moms and daughters debate on all about marriage
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 'Like mothers, like daughters' goes the saying. But how true is it today? With more and more daughters opting for professional careers post and pre-marriage and also with the globe shrinking, ideas and ideologies are changing. More so when it comes to marriage. Most daughters agree that though they differ on many issues with their mothers, they ultimately give in to parental logic. The debate on marriage is an ongoing one where most young girls will not accept either reasoning or even pressure tactics. They have their own logic and point of view. We caught up with a few moms and daughters to understand their individual takes on this very pertinent issue. And the answers we got were revealing.
In India, views on relationship and marriages have undergone a sea change due to modernisation of the society, influence of the Western culture, education and financial independence of women. Hence, it is but natural that there would be a leap in attitude of mothers and daughters over marriage. Most mothers view marriage as a social sacrament. To them, marriage is a way of earning respect from society, security and a mandatory requirement for all girls.
On the flip side, we have the philosophy of the girls of today who believe that marriage means enjoying life, fulfilling sexual desires and procreation (though not all girls believe that one needs to marry to become a mother). And most importantly, marriage is not the ultimate goal in life. They also understand that it may succeed or even fail. Some even feel that their lives are too precious to be risked with marriage, so they are happy to spend their life as a single.
In a research undertaken by the University of Jammu, it has been found that 60% mothers were married at the age of 17-19 years and feel that the marriageable age of their daughters should be 23-25 years. However, most of the daughters preferred to get married at the age of 25-28 years. Mothers feel that girls should get married when they are mentally and physically mature. But girls don't want to take up the responsibility and pressure of a family so early. They want to enjoy their life and freedom on their own terms and conditions. According to moms, the age difference in marriage should be 5 - 7 years. They feel that the boy should be settled in a good job before marriage. Moreover, they believe that the age difference commands respect and maturity in a relationship. But daughters feel that a spouse should be more of a friend than a guardian. They feel that to enjoy love and affection, the age difference with their husbands should not be more than 2 - 3 years. Some even settle down with partners of their age.
 Actress Ayesha Jhulka, who is married to businessman Sameer Vashi says, "It is not binding on women to get married unless she finds a perfect life partner and feels close to him. Today women marry more for love and companionship rather than security and dependence. Women are no longer in a conservative mindset like their moms, and they feel free to snap out of marriage if they like." Ayesha's mother, Sneh Jhulka, generally agrees with her daughter. According to her, "There was a time when parents felt that marriage would bring about security and respect for their daughters and 'pressurised' them to get married, but that's not the case anymore. Understanding each other is the success mantra and that can happen even with an age difference of as much as 10 years or as less as 1 year, between partners."
Again, some mothers still don't approve of love marriages, inter-caste marriages or inter-religion marriages. Daughters feel that this becomes a major cause of conflict with their mothers. Today's generation also is quite open to pre-marital relations and sex, which their mothers cannot even dream of. Similarly, while some mothers feel dowry, in terms of property or jewellery, acts as a security for their daughter's future, the daughters feel that it is an insult to them as they are valued as a commodity.
 Acclaimed actress, Shefali Shah (married to filmmaker Vipul Shah) feels, "Women definitely don't NEED to marry. They can manage their lives independently. All marriages do not spell a happy companionship too. Women should not be dependent on their spouses for emotional or financial support. No one has the 'power to rule' your life. I look at marriage as equality and friendship. If my husband is like my guardian, I would also act as his guardian when needed."
"It is the generation gap which makes the mothers and daughters differ on the issues on marriage. So we can't blame any party," said Shefali's mom, Dr Shobha Shetty. "It is true that society looks at a married woman with different eyes than an unmarried girl and a married girl earns more respect even today. But the case is going to change 5 years down the line because now parents want their daughters to be independent pre or post marriage and a lesson in judo will be more helpful than a mangalsutra . In our time, we used to give more importance to sanskaar . At that time, a mother would go mad if her daughter got pregnant before marriage, but now they are more understanding and helpful," she added.
Same is the case with divorce. Most mothers feel that it is a stigma in the life of a woman. They feel that after divorce, a woman loses her place in the society. However, daughters feel that women should go for a divorce if they are not happy with their marriage and life. Being financially independent, they feel that they have a right to live their lives and should not be sticking to a marriage if it only brings pain and suffering. They strongly feel that in such cases, divorce helps in restoring their self esteem.
However, this gap is slowly narrowing down because with time and education, mothers are understanding the complexity of relationships in today's world. They also want the best for their daughters. They want their daughters to be independent and happy. And above all, they don't want their daughters to go through the same set of sufferings as themselves.
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Amrita Biswas
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