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Marital disconnect
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Loneliness in marriage
When you were single you thought of marriage as the perfect salvation. The much-needed balm to soothe your singlehood aches. But, perhaps you have discovered that marriage wasn't the unfailing solution you expected to your loneliness. At the crossroads of life you sit and wonder - who stole my thunder?
We live in treacherous times. With both the husband and wife juggling individual careers, children, other family commitments and bills, relationships are being stretched to the maximum. In the hustle bustle of everyday life, a couple often finds no time for a cozy togetherness.
Loneliness post-retirement
Mina, a retired professional and mother of two, suddenly confronted emptiness when she left her job of 20 years. Her husband had drifted away and her kids had grown up. "At times you do feel lonely and isolated; your wavelengths just don't match," she says. "Not that my husband does it deliberately. I expect something from him and I don't get it. I've been working in the banking sector for the past so many years and the loneliness first hit me when I opted for VRS (voluntary retirement scheme). Now that my kids are grown up, I can't help thinking about this."
Sanaya Kantak, a counselling psychologist feels that there are several factors that make either partner or both feel isolated. "Loneliness and feelings of detachment within a marriage can vary from couple to couple. There can be many contributing factors to loneliness in marriage such as poor communication, non-fulfillment of expectations and weak social networks."
Sanaya calls for a perfect balance between career and marriage as the only way out of loneliness. "When one partner puts more emphasis on the career there are bound to be hassles. Sometimes, couples drift apart unknowingly either due to over involvement in work or because they have dissimilar interests."
Expectations - a double-edged sword
Couples feel disconnected for several reasons. 'Expectations' is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it can act as a catalyst and spur the couple to scale new heights of relationship; on the other hand, it can create dissatisfaction. But it is a mistake to believe that marriage itself is an antidote to loneliness.
"I think most youngsters have a very rosy picture of marriage. It wouldn't be wrong to blame the television serials for the unreal stereotypes they portray, of marriages and ideal husband or wife. Marriage is a process of continuous adjustment and such false expectations often create problems in the long run," says Dr. Dinesh Salgaokar, a practising gynaecologist and marriage counsellor. "Loneliness and feelings of isolation can arise from expectations not met," warns Sanaya. "Loneliness often creeps in with minor problems. Expectations from your spouse or from the marriage, taking each other's actions for granted - it can be anything. You have to be aware of your expectations and if they are not being met, talk to your partner about it," she adds.
Islands of loneliness
Not many are sympathetic to the wife's loneliness, instead it is dismissed as womanly "mood swings". Smita, a Mumbai-based freelance event organizer, married for 28 years and a mother of two rues, "within a single family there can be little islands of loneliness, and no matter how hard you try, sometimes you just can't get through to your partner. My husband is a corporate professional who is so busy that he hardly has time for me. And whenever I try to talk to him, he just tells me that I am 'overreacting' and am 'too sentimental'. Our social circles are different and we hardly ever do anything together."
Signs of loneliness
Marriage counsellors are of the opinion that there are always visible signs of loneliness in marriages and it is essential to identify them. "The signs of loneliness or dissatisfaction are perceptible only when the couple is willing to accept the existence of a problem," feels Sanaya. "Like, when the couple prefers to spend more time at work than at home, or when they talk about everything besides each other.
You can tell you are heading towards loneliness when you need to turn to others for support; when your friends seem to be better company than your spouse or when you develop separate hobbies.
Feelings of rejection and insecurity, constant bickering over trivial matters, a tendency to dig up the past and inability to focus on everyday problems can eventually lead to more isolation. In some cases, loneliness can lead to extra-marital affairs which may start off as a platonic relationship but may turn physical eventually," she warns.
Staying close
No marriage is perfect. American family counsellor and author, Dennis Rainey, in his award-winning book, Staying Close suggests that marriage is dynamic and that all marriages move either towards intimacy or isolation. It is up to the couple to identify where their marriage is headed and steer it to its right course. Almost all marriages are put to the test these days. A couple going through a slump can help themselves, provided they are willing to work at it.
"I think minor adjustments in lifestyle can help a couple tremendously, which is why I advise couples to review their relationship every three months and discuss their feelings. This way they can take stock of where they stand and what is missing in their relationship, so that they can prioritize their goals," says Dr. Salgaokar. "A couple can incorporate simple and effective strategies some of which include spending Sundays and other holidays together; developing common interests and social circles; planning a romantic outing - maybe a dinner or a short trip together; or taking up some form of spiritual exercise like yoga or meditation, together."
Talk your way through
"It is essential to bridge the communication gap. You have to talk to each other in order to identify the problem. Good channels of communication can only be established if the partner is willing to take a flexible stance instead of an aggressive one. Ego and feelings of revenge have no place in a marriage - avoid these at all costs. Be alert and open to non-verbal cues, develop listening skills and pick a correct time to start the communication process. Pick up positive tips from your friends rather than discussing spouse's negatives," Dr Salgaokar guides.
According to the experts every relationship goes through several phases. It often starts with physical attraction, which is often referred to as 'love' or 'romance', but this attraction begins to fade as the years pass a couple by. It is this transition that a couple must accept and find newer common grounds to redefine their relationship.
*Some names have been changed on request.
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Aseem Hattangady
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