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Time to hit out
How to end an abusive relationship
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What causes spouse abuse?
A variety of causes have been hypothesised and studied including psychopathology, social class and sex drives. It has been found that the majority of the abusers grew up in a violent home or environment, have chronic alcohol and drug abuse problems, lack interpersonal skills, have low socio-economic and educational status and have high levels of anger and exhibit hostile behaviour that may be caused by a variety of antisocial behavioural and personality disorders, such as passive dependent/compulsive behaviour and borderline personality. Flavia Agnes, a Women's Rights lawyer who heads Majlis, a centre which provides legal guidance to women in Mumbai says, "The inherent economic inequality between men and women, and the premium that is placed on women's sexuality and chastity has lead to abusive relationships. Extreme domination, financial control, sexual jealousies and uncontrollable anger are some traits of an abusive lover. An inferiority complex in a lover also may manifest itself as an abusive relationship. The pleasure is derived because it becomes a means of maintaining control and domination."
Why do spouses live on in an abusive relationship?
Says Dr. Liza Misra, "Both the abusive partner and the abused come from a position of low self esteem. An abusive person has a higher need for power and control. The abused person is usually a non-assertive person whose sense of self worth comes from how other people around perceive her. She is convinced that she has done something wrong to bring this on herself. We get to hear about more men who are abusive but there is equal number of women too. Though to an outsider it may seem easy to break free from such a relationship, it is not so because the reasons behind these relationships are complex and multi-determined. The abused person's self-esteem and self-confidence takes such a battering that she is not in a position to seek help. She may feel ashamed to talk to people for fear of being judged and found responsible for being abused. In our culture there are societal pressures to keep marriages going. Financial dependency makes it difficult for the abused to break free. Even financially independent women often cannot break away due to emotional dependency. In the name of love and some remote hopes of changing the way things are they are willing to suffer."
How to get out...the legal door
Priya Florence Shah asserts, "Realise that you do have a choice. Your first task is to remove yourself from the abusive situation immediately. Spend time getting in touch with yourself and your own needs. Get clear on what you really want to do with your life. Find a purpose in your life and follow your dreams. It will help you re-build your self-esteem and become independent. Learn to deal with your co-dependent tendencies. Stop thinking that another person can make you feel happy or secure or fulfilled. You are the only one who can make you feel that way. Believe that you do not need anyone but yourself to take care of your needs and have faith in your ability to do that. When you learn to take care of yourself and your needs, you'll never have to settle for being in an abusive situation again."
If you are a woman caught in an abusive marriage, it's a good idea to take help of a reputed women's organisation aiding victims of abuse. Flavia Agnes says, "Majlis has helped a number of victims to rebuild their lives by using innovative legal strategies. To tackle with emotional dependency, for years, Majlis has been emphasising the right of a married woman to reside in her husband's house and have been obtaining injunctions from the courts to protect them against violence. This step immediately stops violence and helps to bring the husband to a negotiating table. What is important is to have a good legal strategy in place, even before approaching the courts. We also help the woman to decide what is the best option for her in a particular situation and work around the choices she wishes to make, while deciding on an effective strategy."
If you're a man in an abusive marriage please don't suffer in silence. Unfortunately it is true that society may seem to be blind to the idea that women can be abusive too and men can be the victims thereby making it difficult for the battered husband to seek justice. Abused husbands may hesitate even discussing their problem fearing that they'll be ridiculed for not being manly enough. It's best to seek help from a close unbiased and open-minded friend or a family member whom you trust. Purchase a mini audio or video tape recorder to secretly record your spouse's abusive conduct. Keep records of abusive events especially if it's done in public, as it'll be easier to prove. End the relationship and, when appropriate, sue for divorce.
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Pallavi Bhattacharya
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