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VIP Son-In-Law
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A daughter-in-law is expected to treat her in-laws as her own parents, but doesn't the son-in-law bear similar duties towards his in-laws, asks Varsha Pathak.
A wedding is an occasion for joy. And yet, no wedding is complete without some tears. The sternest and the most undemonstrative of the parents too cry when it is time for the daughter's bidai or send-off. The bride may have fought to marry the man of her choice, but she too can't help crying on this solemn occasion. It is a tradition then for the groom's parents to console them. 'Don't worry. Your daughter is our daughter now... we will take good care of her... you have not lost a daughter, but gained a son,' they say.
Many people say (and actually behave that way too) that in their family they make no discrimination between the daughter and the daughter-in-law, that they enjoy the same status in their house. You may have heard happily-married women often testifying that their in-laws treat them just like their own daughter and that they hardly miss their parents. And there are some parents, who complain with a smiling face, that their daughter has forgotten them after marriage, so happy she is. But they are not really complaining, they believe that is her home now.
Good. Great! These are all happy, ideal situations. It is nice to know that the girl is happy in her new house, is being treated as a daughter by the loving in-laws, and she in turn has accepted them as her own parents. But rights and responsibilities come together - especially if you are a woman. Normally, in our traditional households, it is expected that the married woman consider her in-laws above her parents. A woman who accepts this is considered an ideal daughter-in-law.
You might say, 'what's new or wrong in it? After all she has started a new life and priorities should change'. Right. There is nothing new and considering our traditions nothing wrong too, but now listen to this lady. She says that when a woman accepts her husband's parents as her own, why can't the man do the same? Why can't he treat his in-laws as his own parents? The boy's parents expect their daughter-in-law to be like their own daughter - dutiful, loving, and always ready to be with them in their hour of need. Well, why can't the girl's parents expect the same from their son-in-law?
On the wedding day, they were consoled that they have gained a son in the form of a son-in-law, but does it really happen like that? No sir! We all know that a son-in-law is someone to be respected, pampered, and sometimes even feared. It is enough that he keeps your daughter happy and is polite to you. You just can't think of him as your own son from whom you can expect more. If he comes to your house, you are at his beck and call. You can't ask him to do any menial tasks or ask him for some moral support. His mere presence should gladden your collective hearts! Your hospitality should be above reproach.
And no, this kind of attitude is not present only in old-fashioned or rural society, it is prevalent in the most sophisticated, educated, and so-called modern families, too. In Sanskrit, the son-in-law is called the tenth planet. And this "graham" or planet should always be in a pacified state.
Possibly, even your own daughter believes in this. She will take any rubbish from her in-laws but would expect her own parents to be very respectful to her husband. True, there are exceptions; some men are different. They really treat their wives' parents as their own. But what happens to them? People tease and taunt them, and accuse them of being hen-pecked husbands - joroo ke ghulaam. If a man visits his in-laws' house more than once a week, people criticise him saying that he is like a woman who can't maintain his dignity. If he is a real man he should maintain his distance from the in-laws.
Can we blame the man then, if he is brought up with this kind of convictions? He just can't think differently. If he does, he better be ready to pay the price. I have a friend whose wife is the only child of her parents. So after marriage he went to stay with them. He says, 'my parents are at my native place. They don't want to leave it for a city. There they have people to take care of them; here my in-laws are old and alone. What is wrong if I stay with them and take care of their needs?'
Still there are people who find it greatly wrong. This man is a well-placed and highly-paid executive in a big company. He doesn't live off his in-laws' money, still people mockingly call him ghar jamaai and pass derogatory comments behind his back. ' How dare he behave like a son, he is the son-in-law,' they say!
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Varsha Pathak
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