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Siblings Marrying In Birth Order
Is This Logical?
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A family of five brothers and two sisters returned from Mauritius to their homeland India, fifty years ago. What was the reason for their return? Their parents wanted to find Hindu Brahmin brides and grooms for them who were born and brought up in India.
One would have expected all of them to be grand parents or even great grandparents by now. The reality however is that they are all single and live together in the same house. Many of the siblings are very upset about their single status.
People often get puzzled as to why they are all unmarried especially when their purpose of relocating to India was to find partners of their choice. The eldest brother unfortunately didn't like any of the girls he met through arranged meets. His younger siblings were disallowed by their parents to marry till the eldest brother got married.
Even nowadays in India, many families with traditional mindsets (especially families which strictly disallow love marriage) follow this rule of serial progression of marriage in the birth order of the siblings. It's unfortunate that younger siblings are denied marital bliss just because the eldest sibling is unmarried.
Why does this norm continue to prevail in India?
Psychiatrist Dr.Shefali Batra answers, "India continues to have, like many other countries in the world, a patriarchal society where the older individual (in terms of order), irrespective of the age or ability; is considered more responsible and competent to make important decisions of life. These may be financial, relational, occupational and so on. So in marriage too, it is believed that the elder sibling ought to take the leap before the rest of the herd."
Is this logical?
According to Dr.Shefali Batra, "Logic sometimes extends beyond tradition. I wouldn't call this norm logical. On reaching the legal marriageable age, anyone emotionally and psychologically competent enough to get into a marriage should be free to marry irrespective of the birth order."
Filmmaker Sourabh Sengupta says, "There is and must not be any compulsion that we have to marry in birth order. As per my opinion our elders should start thinking out of box and try to be more practical to help kids decide their future on their own rather than using this old out-of-date obligation to make a wannabe groom or bride wait from getting married."
Ravi from Mumbai says, "My younger brother got married in April this year. I am not married. My brother fell in love, had the usual parental consent issues, and then began this 'heroic not before you' agenda. I explained to him that he shouldn't worry over that at all. I, for whatever reasons, was not ready to marry, and definitely not ready to get married for the heck of it. To tie up his destiny to mine would be unfair to both him and me."
Family complications that may arise...
If the younger sibling gets married before the elder, the elder sibling may feel conflicting emotions. Sue Tosto, a relationship coach based in the U.S.A speculates on why the elder sibling may feel so.
Sue says, 'Maybe the older sibling feels resentful because he / she had to previously take care of the younger ones and now the younger is attaining happiness through marriage, whereas the older still hasn't found his / her life-partner due to him / her having taken care of the siblings. Perhaps the youngest had more freedom, less responsibility and was able to do more things."
The younger sibling is often made to feel unduly guilty because of breaking this birth order tradition of marriage. Sooner or later there may however be reconciliation, especially when a child is born to the younger sibling.
What's the solution?
Liberal Indian families don't have this norm. This rule mainly prevails in traditional Indian families.
Rather than fighting with their parents or the older sibling, the younger sibling needs to make a sincere effort to logically explain why he / she is marrying earlier. Dr. Batra advises, "Children too need to express their viewpoint to elders, keeping in mind that they wish the best for their children. Both parties need to respect the generation gap and difference in opinion and meet a truce wherein the child feels the freedom to make his/her personal relationship decisions and the elders feel the pride in this ability of their offspring."
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Pallavi Bhattacharya
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