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Respecting Your In-Laws
Should You Or Shouldn't You?
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Respecting one's in-laws seems to be given - especially within the Indian context. However, are all in-laws worthy of this respect? Should a daughter-in-law give respect simply by virtue of the fact that they are her husband's parents? Or so in-laws also need to earn and maintain their share of respect?
Primarily, your in-laws will occupy an important place in your life and will directly impact your relationship with your spouse. It is most naturally expected that the new 'bahu' will respect her in-laws in action and thought. Things like touching their feet, serving them meals before eating herself and in general taking 'permission' for various things is quite the norm in many families.
Richa and Manish had a love cum arranged marriage. Richa belonged to a Gujarati family and Manish was a Punjabi. At the beginning of the marriage, Richa tread with utmost care.
She appreciated that these were not only her husband's parents but also people who were to play an important role in the rest of her life. In accordance to their status and age she deferred to them. She never raised her voice, always enquired about their preferences and was extremely cautious not to make any remarks that may offer slight.
However, things don't always go as planned.
While Richa was willing to offer respect, she also expected to get some in return. Richa's in-laws unfortunately, did not realize that they were being disrespectful. They led an active social life and felt completely justified in inviting 8-10 friends over and expecting Richa to handle all the arrangements.
Richa says, "Honestly, I didn't mind organizing the get-togethers. However, I would appreciate it if they would ok the dates with me beforehand and give me a few days notice. My in-laws never understood the effort it took on my part as a working woman to organize and re-schedule my life to accommodate their activities."
After a few months of trying to cope, Richa finally came out and had a talk with her in-laws. Again, things turned sour and her in-laws assumed this to mean that she was not going to be helping them out with 'their' engagements. They then bent over backwards to ensure Richa was always excluded from any of the arrangements - which Richa felt was extremely childish.
In the entire process, what did happen was that Richa slowly but steadily lost all her respect for her in-laws. She now started seeing them as children who needed to have everything their way or no way at all. It became more and more difficult for her to consult with them about small household matters - let alone the major issues in their life.
What essentially happened was that Richa continued to 'respect' her in-laws overtly and with her actions. However, she had no respect for them in her thoughts. She did not consider them wise enough to help her through the journey of life and that was really sad.
Even today, there are no major blow-ups in the family. Everyone does what needs to be done and the atmosphere is amicable enough until the time when a major decision is to be taken. Richa puts little value in the opinion of her in-laws and this galls them no end.
Says another daughter-in-law, Gretta Cruz, "I prefer fulfilling my duties towards my in-laws and in doing so I leave no stone unturned. But, I prefer not to go out of my way. Initially I did but found that the same lead to expectations from my end for them to reciprocate likewise. Hence to avoid disappointments, today, I firmly believe that the best way to respect your in-laws is to be dutiful and leave it at that."
So, what do you think?
- Should Richa continue to respect her in-laws in thought and action?
- Should Richa's in-laws learn to respect her?
- Can a broken relationship between the two now be mended?
- Is being dutiful enough?
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Zainab S Kazi
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