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Parental Objections To Marriages
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 Mrinal and Abhigyan Jha talk about how they fell in love, got married and won over her parents.
Parental expectations...
When Mrinal's parents met her boyfriend Abhigyan Jha they instantly disapproved of him. Abhigyan's long hair and hyper-active nature mislead them to think that he was on drugs. Moreover as Abhigyan's parents were separated they were doubtful as to whether he was capable of having a long-lasting marriage.
They had hoped to see their daughter married to a doctor, engineer or a corporate person. Abhigyan however wanted to be a journalist. They had serious doubts as to whether a person who looked as unstable as Abhigyan was capable of earning anything at all. After all he had dropped out of college in his second year. To add to that Abhigyan was an asthmatic.
A book and its cover...
Though Abhigyan outwardly appeared to be unstable, he always lent Mrinal an empathetic ear to her problems and advised her. Mrinal was in a depressive phase when she met Abhigyan twenty years ago when both were studying in the same college. Abhigyan was someone she could open out her heart to. Abhigyan was impressed by the intellectual depth and intelligence of Mrinal. Her parents however weren't able to understand why they bonded so well.
Abhigyan and Mrinal started to live in together in a one-roomed apartment. They were struggling to make ends meet. Meanwhile Mrinal got pregnant. Mrinal's father refused to attend his seven-month pregnant daughter's wedding. After the birth of Mrinal's daughter, her parents however invited Abhigyan to live with them. Relations between Abhigyan and his in-laws started to improve.
 The future...
Both Abhigyan and Mrinal went on to excel at their careers. Mrinal is now one of the top television serial writers in India. Abhigyan has co-authored three best-selling novels with Mrinal, he has made a feature film - Sacred Evil and produced and scripted the highly popular TV show - Movers and Shakers.
After the immense success of Movers and Shakers, Mrinal's parents were convinced that Abhigyan was a professional success. Abhigyan and Mrinal even bought a plush duplex apartment together in Mumbai.
Abhigyan and Mrinal have been happily married for thirteen years now. Their love has only grown stronger over the years. So Mrinal's parent's fears that she was heading for an unhappy marriage were baseless.
However are Mrinal's parents to be held at fault because of disapproving of Abhigyan? Not really. Abhigyan says, "Parents don't want to gamble with their children's lives. They always want their children to avoid pitfalls. Also I should have worked hard to win my in-law's approval before marrying Mrinal. I only tried doing so after marrying her." Abhigyan went on to have an excellent rapport with his in-laws.
 Most parental objections to marriage don't seem to reach mutual reconciliation because of miscommunication between the children and their parents. Psychologist Prasenjit Kamble advises, "Never ever talk to your parent angrily when they are opposing your marriage. Parents object based on their age, experience and societal concepts. Try to establish a mutual understanding instead of trying to force your point of view upon them. Find out what is at the root of their way of thinking which is making them oppose and try to explain to them accordingly. Communication solves problems. Go with your partner and parents to an experienced counsellor if it seems that it is difficult to solve the problem on your own."
We do hear of honour killings in India because of parental disapproval. Those cases are however rare. In most cases open communication should solve the problem sooner or later.
Common reasons for Indian parents opposing their child's marriage may be:
- Marriage into a different caste, community and religion.
- The bride being manglik.
- The bride being dark.
- The bride being older than the groom.
- The bride being taller than the groom.
- The bride not being as traditional as they would like them to be.
- The bride / groom not being a virgin, having had previous relationships, being divorced or widowed.
- The bride / groom leading an unorthodox lifestyle.
- The bride earning more and having more educational / professional qualifications than the groom.
- Choosing a partner from a far less affluent family.
- Illness of the partner.
- The parents have already fixed their child's marriage with the child of a family friend hoping that it will strengthen the bond of friendship between the two families. So they can't seem to accept it when their child chooses someone else as a life-partner.
The better the rapport between parents and their children, less likely are they to be at logger-heads over the choice of their child's life-partner. Mrinal Jha in fact feels that they will never be in a situation of having to disapprove of her daughter's boyfriend. She says, "Our daughter is very open with us about the kind of guy she likes. We have very candid conversations with her on love, dating and relationships. She already knows what we may / may not like in her prospective boyfriend. Of course my daughter will choose someone she likes but I think she will also make sure that we like him too. To her parental approval really matters."
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Pallavi Bhattacharya
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