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Do you need to trail your partner-to-be?
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Yes, in exceptional cases, folks try to hide their offspring's mental or physical problems. Sometimes a boy might forget to mention that he had to spent a night in a police lock up for some misdemeanour or a girl might try to hide some past unpleasant affair. All such information is not offered voluntarily and people would hesitate to ask.
But suppose, you ask; what's wrong in it? It is quite likely that the person you ask, may feel offended. But when you are taking such an important decision regarding you life, you have to take that risk. Isn't it better that they feel bad now rather than you feeling worse later on?
The lady I mentioned earlier can very well get all the information if she or her son makes simple inquiries. And the person concerned is not some absolutely unknown single woman staying abroad with no family to speak of. She is born and brought up in Mumbai just like the boy who wants to marry her.
The boy's mother is worried about the probable (or imaginary) habits like smoking and drinking on the girl's part.
My dear lady, in case you can't ask such questions directly to her or her parents, tell your son to do so. Girls have been asking such things to the prospective partners since ages. What stops a man from asking the same to a girl?
I am sure that a young lady, who is allowed by her parents to have late nights out with friends, would not hesitate in being truthful. She may not tell her parents but she would definitely inform the man who wants to know such things before marrying her.
In my opinion you don't need a private detective to acquire such nuggets of information. And then, you can know certain things only after you start staying together. Whether the man snores or the woman doesn't like to get up early in the morning, you will learn only after marriage.
Even after knowing everything possible before marriage, is there any guarantee that the spouses won't fight over one or another issue in future? Marital matches pronounced as perfect by a team of astrologers too end up in divorce so often.
Marriage breaks down when love, trust and respect for each other dies. We are all human beings. Our beliefs and habits are likely to change with times. A girl who didn't even drink tea or coffee before marriage may develop a taste for good wine in her later years. A once very romantic young man may become a couch potato after a few years of matrimony or even start forgetting important dates like his wife's birthday. But most marriages survive such unexpected changes in the spouses. After all the relationship between life partners is not dependent on just one or two things. Quarrels do take place once in a while. But that is a part and parcel of life.
A hired investigator may get you the information that the girl goes to meet some boy every evening. But can he assure you that the girl who doesn't set her foot out of home without parental consent before marriage, would stay faithful to the husband forever?
People match horoscopes and yet go through marital horrors later. And on the other hand, there are marriages, to which others didn't give more than six months lived happily ever after.
In other words, no relationship comes with a shelf life. You just hope and carry on with it.
Of course, one should exert care and caution while entering in such new relationships. In an arranged marriage, not only the couple, even their parents want to, and should know lots of things about each other. Right from salary slip to the medical certificate should be open to scrutiny. If one refuses to divulge such information or feel insulted on being asked, it is his or her problem. In that case you should feel happy that you are saved from such a secretive and narrow minded partner.
And hey, isn't it possible that the concerned woman might not like the idea of you hiring an investigator to follow her?
"Ask me whatever you want know. Don't try to snoop behind my back." The girl is likely to tell you and even reject your proposal.
At last... how can you predict that a young woman who loves going out with friends and drink a glass of beer once in a while would not turn out to be a loving wife or a caring daughter-in-law? And on other hand , absence of such habits doesn't mean that she can't make your life miserable.
Ultimately it is the love and trust for each other that will sustain a marriage. And who can predict that?
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Varsha Pathak
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