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Why You Shouldn't Try To Be His Mother
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 'Mom knows best.' Agreed that's a hard line for any woman, let alone a newly-wed bride, to live up. But hold on a minute - you don't have to compete with your mother-in-law, so don't get too obsessed with what she thinks or does!
In fact, in all probability, your husband married you because you don't resemble his mother. It's not as though a man chooses to replace his mother with his wife. In the same vein, he doesn't expect you to step into her shoes. Learning her best recipes is okay (and a good way to pacify him when he loses his cool!), but that's about it. After that, you're his wife an entirely different person.
Sadly though, too many women end up thinking that the best way to get close to, or make an impression on their husbands is to mirror the qualities and mannerisms of their mother-in-law. So they hardly reach their honeymoon destination before they start mothering their husband.
Frankly that doesn't bode well for your marriage!
Showing concern versus mothering
Lest you harbour any misconceptions about mothering, let's get this clear. Of course your husband expects you to be concerned about his well-being. Expressing concern and doing things for each other is a part and parcel of being married. Mothering, however, is another ballgame altogether.
For instance, say your hubby's got high cholesterol. Naturally, you'd like him to eat right and hit the gym to get fit. But whereas occasionally voicing your desire to enjoy a long life together may inspire him to do something for his health, nagging him as his mother would to eat this, don't eat that, do this, don't do that will only cause him to get irritated and in worse cases, lead him to avoid discussing his health with you in the future.
In mothering your husband, you end up believing that he is a child, and so that you can lay down the law. But you couldn't be more wrong. Face the truth you're not the only adult in your family.
Why mothering your husband doesn't work
In addition to making you the butt of unpleasant nagging wife jokes, mothering is a bad idea for other reasons too. Here's why:
- Wives who mother their husbands often 'tell' them how to behave, as though they didn't know themselves. Frankly telling your husband what to do, when to do is akin to not appreciating that he has his own pace of working. It also signals a lack of respect for, and acceptance of your husband's point of view. Consider, would you like your husband to instruct you how to talk to his friends? Worse, how would you feel if your husband didn't respect you? Correcting each others behaviour as your mother used to do is a huge put off. Don't go down that road.
- In mothering your partner, you send out a strong signal of being the dominating partner in your relationship. Now while a wife who takes the initiative in bed is a turn on, a wife who so closely resembles his mom isn't. After all, no man thinks of his mother as being sexually appealing! Evidently then, mothering your husband acts as a dampener to your sexual life. In fact, nothing can be worse than a wife who chides her husband for being overly passionate. Come on you're his lover, not his mother. It's you he is interested in, so why don't you respond?
- This may be a scary thought, but if you constantly mother your husband, it may drive him away from you. This is how it works. Mothering him will only encourage him to see you as a mother figure. Now a mother is a parent, and as children grow, they learn not to lean on their parents. The parent figure sometimes becomes one to rebel against, but inevitably to grow out of as the child evolves into his or her own person. It may occur subconsciously, but your husband may also go the same way - away from you. Is that what you want?
All said and done, it's really important for you to remember who you are - you're a wife, not a mother to your husband. So sit back and enjoy your life together a little more, as equals. He's your man, not your little boy! Don't forget that.
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Charu Bahri
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