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No Gifts Please!
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Why ''Honey, I'm late, but I brought you a gift'' scenarios are always a bad idea!
Returning from a business trip to Dubai, Ravi paused by the duty free store at the airport. Should he blue away US $500 on a perfume for his wife? God knew that he had been over-worked since he started his own business, and badly needed to make up the lack of time to his wife.
His wife Neeta was patient, and pitched in with what she could do - which by any measure was a lot, considering she had her own consultancy and their baby to look after. Even so, Ravi shivered at the thought of her growing unsupportive over time because of neglect.
Did Ravi eventually buy the perfume? No, he didn't. Here's why - he felt that doing so would amount to an attempt to buy Neeta's continued affection, which was nothing short of insulting her. He also thought that the value of any gift, however expensive, was naught in comparison to what he had received from Neeta.
Was Ravi being realistic or overly romantic?
The answer is realistic. Ravi realized that his work had led him to neglect his wife. So too, he understood that convincing himself that this was inevitable with arguments such as, 'I'm doing this for my family' were not the solution, as they could have got by on his salary alone, with Neeta's income providing the frills. He had chucked his job because it left him dissatisfied, dying to achieve more and grow something of his own.
Here's a statement of Ravi's predicament - he felt genuinely thankful for his wife's support to his business and her caring for their home, their baby and running the household, but he was uncertain of how to express his sorrow for not being able to give her time.
''Is there any way of appeasing her?'' he finally asked a counsellor ''that does not come across as cheap or born of a selfish motive.''
The counsellor pointed out that instead of thinking of buying a perfume, Ravi should have just picked up his phone and called his wife. ''Ravi is on the right path, as he correctly identifies his problem. Everyone needs to be acknowledged and thanked for their love and support, especially in a marriage. Taking your better half for granted will lead to bitter days,'' she observes.
A loving marriage can never have too many "I love you's" or "Thank you's".
But not all men or women who are hard-pressed for time think like Ravi. Manav, for instance, a successful business man indulged his wife in expensive gift after gift. She may have pined for his company in the early days of their marriage, but soon grew accustomed to his ways, and consequently developed her own lifestyle in response.
Five years on, their partnership was reduced to shambles. There was no genuine communication or understanding between them. Expensive gifts were complemented by expensive holidays. But for what purpose, as these were seen as occasions to shop and live it up in company?
The key is to feel genuine love for your spouse. Don't try and appease your spouse if you don't feel bad when you can't invest time and energy in your relationship. People don't like being placated for the sake of peace, or avoiding a showdown. And rest assured your spouse will know what's going on in your mind, whether or not he or she says so.
If you truly feel sorry about your situation, ideas (and gifts) that mean something may work better than ideas (and gifts) that do not. Ravi's counsellor suggested he try these:
- Say 'Thank you!' in words or with a bouquet of flowers. If you must buy a gift, attach a note that expresses your appreciation, something on the lines of - "Thank you for your help - I couldn't have done this without you."
- When you have friends over for dinner, make it a point to speak of how much your spouse has contributed (if he or she has) to your business.
- Share your success with your spouse. The idea is to make the venture seem like a twosome, instead of your baby. Once you have brought her up-to-speed with the business, swap roles occasionally. Suggest that you'll sit at home and baby-sit while she makes a business trip. She'll love you for experiencing what waiting feels like.
At the other extreme are spouses who take advantage of being in a position where they can be appeased, and ask for this, that and the other. Eventually, they will only want what you can buy them, not you! If you find yourself in such a situation, it implies that things went wrong a long time ago. If the situation can't be remedied, you may actually need to re-evaluate your spouses' fitness to be your mate. Are you being taken advantage of, while he or she lives it up or worse, has an affair?
It's no secret that every loving marriage needs time and energy. Don't reduce yours to an exercise in appeasement.
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Charu Bahri
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| | Mcdonald's Gift Voucher | Asmi Diamond Pendant | Encore Ladies Handbag | | | | | | Rs.500 ($10.39) | Rs.8,670 ($180.10) | Rs.3,250 ($67.51) | |
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