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Are You Ready To Confront An Errant Spouse?
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It's not an easy call – should you confront your wayward partner, or turn a blind eye and hope common sense will prevail?
Decades ago, lipstick on his collar would have served as enough proof to nail an errant spouse. Nowadays however, situations have changed – women are just as prone to folly as men, and both have become far more adept at masking the telltale signs of any affair they're carrying on.
Arati was facing an acute dilemma - should she confront her husband Nilesh and demand to be told the truth? Or should she lie low, and wait for it to blow over?
I can't believe I've been cheated
Arati was a well-educated, gutsy young lady presently on a sabbatical from work to bond with her infant daughter. It's not as though she was a true 'desi' who couldn't have set her life back on track without Nilesh. However, she had strong views about a family sticking together, and wanted to make the most of her marriage, and be sure Nilesh was guilty before proceeding to take action!
You see – if she confronted Nilesh without enough reason – even though he had withdrawn from her, and in recent days shown no interest in sex – she knew it could backfire. Nilesh was facing a lot of stress at work. If she jumped the gun it would only serve to fuel a smouldering fire, by exposing her lack of trust in Nilesh.
Arati knew that time was of the essence, even though every day had become agony – asides feeling emotionally torn apart, she was feeling physically icky for fear of contracting a disease and sharing Nilesh.
Be sure of the facts
Arati spent the next three months observing Nilesh's daily routine. She watched out for signs like secrecy over phone calls, too much overtime or too many out-of-city tours, a new preoccupation with appearance, unexplained expenses, snappy behaviour, or strange smells. She could have hired an expert, but gave that a miss as she seemed to be managing okay herself.
Snooping was by no means a pleasant job, but as she told herself, whatever she was doing was to protect herself, and possibly, her marriage. After all, it's not as though she wanted to be free of the relation, she only sought to be free of the turmoil that her partners' infidelity had caused.
For this, she needed sufficient proof. Else, confronting Nilesh could turn into his reciting a bunch of lies. Besides it might put him on guard, and make her going more difficult.
What you should do while lying-low
What this implies is that if you're ever in a similar situation, you not only need to consider whether to confront or lie-low, but also when and how to confront. Till then, lie-low.
Again like Arati, as you gather evidence, do remind yourself that all this digging isn't about you, it's about your spouse. You're likely to muse about your shortcomings, but really, that's not the root of this exercise.
Your preparatory groundwork should also include sharing your doubts with trusted friends or family, in order to assure yourself of their loving support, as your road ahead gets bumpy.
When your moment of reckoning comes, be calm (a tall order!) and rational. While conversing, you're likely to sling mud at each other and hurt one another. But, keep in mind that at this point, you need to know everything. The more you know, the easier it will be to decide what to do next.
Your future options
Is there scope to repair your marriage? Is your partner repentant? Do you feel wholly victimized, or can you pin-point reasons that could have led to this sorry state of affairs?
Throughout her preparations, Arati steered clear of thinking of revenge – that would only further lower her self-esteem. She knew her options were to either go full-steam ahead together, or opt out. It wouldn't be easy, but keeping an open mind before starting a dialogue was imperative. This, she knew, signalled her complete preparedness to confront Nilesh.
Perfect 10 For A Good Marriage Part V - Fidelity
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Charu Bahri
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