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Should you divulge all to your spouse?
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 Planning to tie the knot? Irrespective of whether you're having a traditional 'arranged' marriage, or if your relation with your spouse-to-be has grown from just a casual acquaintance, one question that may be weighing on your mind at this crucial juncture of your life is - should you divulge all? Should you tell everything about your past relationships to your soon to be newly wedded spouse?
Undoubtedly, this is a tricky question. If you've had an elder relative lecture you as your D-day approaches, or have been reading up on 'ways to make a marriage work,' you've probably already deduced that several virtues hold a marriage together - love, understanding and patience put together work as glue, and cement a relation.
What about 'truth'? Is it also an essential pillar holding up a happy, lasting marriage? Or are you off to a rocky start by glossing over all the skeletons in your cupboard? Is avoiding the subject equivalent to lying?
After all, you usually get "special" time to interact with your prospective spouse even in the case of arranged marriages. If you choose to keep mum about your past, does it say anything about your lack of interest in making your new, intended relation work?
Apparently not. V A Abraham replies with a firm, "No way!" and goes on to explain his viewpoint, "If you share your past, it means you're remembering and carrying your past life into your present marriage."
His perspective indicates that you should start every relation afresh - with a clean slate - without letting the past hold you back either in your mind, or in your actions. Priya Florence Shah agrees, saying "I don't think that's necessary. No need to give the gory details."
So relax - divulging 'all' is not a must do. Certainly don't drive yourself into a tizzy in just thinking of who'll go first!
One could however, argue that some men and women would actually ask, if not told. Perhaps out of curiosity or a genuine desire to know about past emotional entanglements. Evidently, a lot depends on your prospective spouse!
What should you do then? Shah presents one exceptional situation in which case you should go ahead and share all, and that is, "If he specifically asks." In this case, don't feel shy or cornered, for as she explains, "If he asks, he'd better be ready to accept without judgment. Everyone has a past, and everyone deserves to be accepted for who they are, not who they were once upon a time. It's our relationships and life experiences that make us who we are. And if your spouse has chosen you, then he's chosen the person who is a product of all those experiences."
So if speaking out leads to him - or her, for that matter - exploding with indignation, as they say, just chill. She/he may not be your Mr. or Ms. Right.
And if sharing your past has stirred your desire to know more about your partner, spell out and rationalize the reasons for your inquisitiveness in your mind before you go ahead. Will hearing him/her out achieve anything besides satisfy your own curiosity? Ask only if you must.
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Charu Bahri
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