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Yet Another Business Trip For Your Spouse?
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Can the strain of frequent travel by one spouse break a marriage?
They are often called ''road warriors''. Constantly switching time zones and living in and out of a suitcase in different hotel rooms, they soldier on - through a tough life. Business travellers get an opportunity to see the world but at the cost of time spent with their families at home. The spouse staying at home has their own share of battles to fight; maintaining the household alone, taking on the entire responsibility for the children and dealing with the loneliness. How do marriages survive with one partner gone ever so often?
For both of you:
''It's all about the attitude'' says Simran B, a marketing manager with a multinational who is compelled to leave her husband almost every other week. ''The best part is coming home to a husband who understands me.'' Hence understanding the need for travel in your spouse's career and agreeing to a game plan before hand is the first big step. Appreciate the importance of travel as a part of his / her job. The travelling spouse should not undermine the added responsibilities and compromises on the other one's plate. Discussing how simple tasks can be resolved in the absence of the other can avoid ugly scenarios of blaming each other. Decide what kind of big decisions affecting the kids or big purchases that will affect family finances will always have to wait till you both are present.
Anand Kapur, owner of a textile export company, takes several trips a year and each one spans over two weeks. His wife of four years now thinks their marriage is on the brink. She feels lonely and burdened by the responsibility of looking after his parents and their three years old son all by herself. ''Sometimes when I come back home, I feel like so much has happened when I've been away and Shilpa hasn't bothered to update me,'' says Anand on the other hand. Problems that arise between any couple due to lack of communication just magnify and multiply in the case of these marriages. In today's day of technology, with Skype and other VOIP tools, talking everyday no matter where you are, is free. All you have to do is decide on a time that works between both time zones and talk for a few minutes daily. Touching base on everyday events is vital in making up for that physical absence.
Intimacy needs more work in a marriage with physical distance. The hectic pace of life leaves couples with very little quality time. Couples who have the distance factor added on, often say they have no time or energy left to indulge in sex. Schedule it together if you need to, but no marriage can last long without the physical intimacy.
Both end up feeling sorry for themselves and this gets further aggravated as old issues are pulled out that are not even related to being apart. Such a feeling can be overcome by picturing yourself in your spouse's shoes. When couples have other problems in the marriage already, they should take a trip together first, to sort things out. An unstable marriage will completely disintegrate with the compounded pressure of travel by one spouse.
For the travelling spouse:
- Bring home a souvenir or present from your far away journeys. It's a small gesture that goes a long way in showing that you thought about your partner while you were away.
- While it may not always be possible, try and be home for important occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, especially the holidays.
For the spouse staying home:
- Don't fall into the habit of complaining about things that are amiss without the presence of the other. While your spouse wants to hear you are missing him/her, listening to a cranky or sarcastic spouse is no fun.
- While it's good to accept that frequent travel is way of life in your marriage, don't let it become a routine that goes completely unnoticed. Schedule a "back home" date together sometime that week. It could be just a candle light dinner, a movie, or a "Scrabble" night with the kids.
There will be lonely days, no doubt. However open communication, trust and appreciation of each other's individual roles is the only way not to let travel become the cause for disharmony in your marriage.
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Aarti Thadani
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