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Barring husbands
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The woman was upset; upset enough to pick up the phone and call to give me a piece of her mind. "You journalists and writers go on and on about the miseries and injustices faced by the bar girls; even film-makers glorify their sob stories, but why can't you see or write about the simple ordinary housewives who suffer on account of these women? They trap our husbands, ruin our lives..." droned the person at the other end.
Alright.Understood. Here was one unhappy woman whose husband was having some kind of an affair with a bargirl. Of course, she immediately clarified, "I found a solution and saved my home. But there are other women like me who too should know how these sleazy, cunning bar-girls operate and they should learn to fight them!"
Husbands stray into bars
It was easy to understand the caller's emotional state. Which woman can bear to share her husband with another woman? But all her anger was directed only towards the bargirl, the other woman. Not even once during our conversation she blamed her husband.
This was a recent case, but certainly not an isolated one. It happens all the time. When a married man strays, it is always the other woman who is the villain of the piece. She is accused of being a man-eater, a home-breaker, the enemy of an innocent wife and children. According to the wife, her husband is not a betrayer, but a victim. "Man... poor innocent, child-like man...' Oh really? Do you really believe that a man who is grown up enough to get married and beget children, clever enough to earn money, sly enough to hide his activities can be so naive, gullible or stupid to be misled by some semi-literate bar dancer or waitress?
Who is to blame?
Come on ladies, wise up. Those pretty young things don't stand in the middle of the road and drag our males inside the bar. They don't send invitation cards to the family men to corrupt their pure souls. The fact is that when the man gets the itch to taste the forbidden fruit, he himself makes the choice. He goes to the bars to make himself available to the ladies of the night or finds some other easy prey, someone younger and more impressionable. He does it with his eyes and mind wide open. Nobody hypnotizes him. He is fully aware of what he is doing to himself and his family. He is not a kid to be lured by sweet-meat! He is an adult who is cheating.
And when a married man gets involved with an unmarried woman, who is cheating whom? In such relationships, the unmarried girl is always blamed, deemed as a monster out to destroy someone's home. But hey, just think! Whose home it is anyway? Whose responsibility is it to keep the home and family life intact? Who is the real home-breaker?
Having his cake and eating it too
Sanctity of a marriage should be maintained by the married man, not the unmarried bar girl or the so-called 'other (unmarried) woman'. And yes, frequently even the wife is blamed for her husband's extramarital affairs. People say, if the wife is quarrel-some, sloppy, uneducated, a lousy cook, and an unskilled lover, then naturally the man would stray, wouldn't he? In short, blame it on the woman - be she a housewife or a bar-girl. Both are losers in some way; the man doesn't stand to lose much.
When he gets bored with his wife, he goes out and after having his fill, he can come back home At most, his reputation takes a little beating for a few days. After a while, he would be held up as a shining example of reform - the man who committed blunders, but could mend his ways! Proudly he can say, 'I am a changed man now'!
And let's face the truth. Most of the wives understand this. They know who the real culprit is. Unfortunately our upbringing is such that we turn a blind eye to our men's faults. A woman can't or won't accept the fact that her own man is breaking her heart and her home. She then turns to the outsider, the other woman, to let out her frustrations. After all, we all need a punching bag!
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Varsha Pathak
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