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Take Me As I Am?
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'Take me as I am' or 'You inspire me to be a better person' - which approach works better in a relationship?
It is said that your best relationships are those that bring out the best in you. Take that a notch higher and it would mean - those relationships that inspire you to be a better person.
Yet as we know, the longevity of friendships, which are genuine heartfelt commitments, is often attributed to the fact that we can be ourselves in the company of friends, with no strings attached to behave in a certain (read 'goody good') manner.
If you put together these two very real observations, it seems to suggest that our friendships can't be counted as the best relationships we enjoy. But this isn't true.
The way of friends
'Accept me for what I am' - is an unspoken condition we send out when interacting with a potential friend. And yet, when minds click and a friendship blossoms, we become open to accepting constructive criticism, albeit delivered in fancy wrapping, from our friends.
''My best friends are not only my confidantes because I know they love me for what I am, but also because they listen to my familial or work problems impartially and dole out good suggestions,'' says Nina. Suggestions, she explains that often propose she behave (or not) in a certain fashion. ''It's just that they don't expect me to do or not do certain things, so being in their company is a pleasure as it takes a huge load of living up to expectations off my mind,'' she adds.
This brings us to ask - aren't partners ideally meant to be friends first and lovers only thereafter? If so, shouldn't a partner adopt the same attitude towards a friend-cum-lover?
A give and take relationship
''My hubby is the best because he accepts me as I am, and encourages me to follow my dreams,'' shares Sneha.
Two years back, Sneha launched a drive to collect funds to start a charity to rehabilitate street children. She has no kids of her own. She doesn't want any. While Mahesh and she had agreed on this subject before they married, Sneha never imagined that she would have the freedom to pursue her dream. Not because she was uncertain of Mahesh's appreciation for her idea, but simply because she worked as a software programmer and they needed two incomes to run their household.
But after a few promotions and salary raises, as soon as Mahesh felt that he could provide for all their needs as well as set aside some money as savings, he suggested Sneha get cracking on her dream.
Inspire good behaviour
The impact of Mahesh's magnanimous behaviour on Sneha is interesting - "He makes me want to do things for him, even if it's changing my habits that irritate him, simply because he has given me so much happiness. It's a give and take relationship, I guess," she says.
A relationship based on give and take is what a twosome really is. In fact, if like friends, partners can offer their spouses the space to be themselves and evolve at their own pace and in their own way, then the likelihood of inspiring their best behaviour in return is very high.
But the crux lies in first giving and then receiving! It doesn't work the other way around. Even in friendships, friends accept each other as they are, and only much later when the friendship is well entrenched in their minds and hearts, do they venture suggestions, and that too, if and only if asked.
Patience pays, as does love and understanding
In order for your relationship to grow in the right direction, you need patience and love to accept your partner as he or she is. Unlike Nitin, you shouldn't try and change your wife as soon as you discover her first flaw post marriage!
Nitin believed Vandana had it in her to hold a higher position at work, so he wanted her to be more aggressive in her office.
But that just wasn't the kind of person Vandana was. And Nitin's constant prompts for her to be forceful were very irritating. "Gosh, why can't you just let me be? I don't like being aggressive as I know I will get credit for my good work sooner or later," she'd snap back. Then not wanting to seem rude, she'd plead, "All in good time, Nitin, there is no point in rushing my promotion. Please have patience."
All in good time - yes, that is what Nitin and many other husbands and wives need to learn. In good time, you'll hopefully be able to inspire each other. Until then, enjoy your partner as s/he is, quirks included!
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Charu Bahri
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