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« continued from previous page
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Who am I?
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After an hour of staring at black walls of my consciousness, I decided to find out what was making Sri miss me suddenly. I called and got no response. I let it be and gave myself up to dreamless sleep.
The next morning, Kavya called a common friend of Sri's and mine. Sri had committed suicide last night. His call to me was the last plea of his helpless self for help. I sank on the sofa and looked around for some solace in the stern painted expressions of my forefathers. It didn't help. I was shocked but I noticed that even then I was wondering which self of me should I let take over. The coy damsel and give over to excesses of sorrow? Or the intellectual masturbating on the vagaries of life? Or the enchanted princess who knows a hidden supernatural meaning in all this? By the time I could decide, the first wave of shock had passed. I called Kavya back and told her I wanted to see Sri's body. She delicately told me it might not be so advisable. He had slashed himself terribly, and in uncontrollable pain and anger. A sob broke free and I immediately cried for Sri. I loved his long hair and musical way of speaking. He was a beautiful soul, as misguided as I was, but beautiful. Another touch of beauty had passed out of my life with him.
I cried all day and I cried all night. And this was the first time I did not think of showing anyone my tears for sympathy or calling up anyone to talk it out and feel "better". I just sat there with all my selves and cried.
It was goodbye time. Each one of my selves had to leave. This time they could not come back, like they did after Bobby's death. I could not afford that. None of them wanted to leave me. They loved me and I loved them. We were sisters. We laughed, cried, joked, conspired, fought and covered up for each other. But now I had to leave them behind and rediscover what I had in that short time with Bobby. I don't think Bobby would ever forgive me for losing that part of me anyways.
I closed the door on all my selves except one that day because I had realized something. If I didn't, in a short time, Sri would be me.
The End
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Fatema Kagalwala
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