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"Life" - A different perception
...Living on your own terms
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Nevertheless we hung around for two years. We began living together, but in no way anything more then roommates. We did share beautiful moments of love and lust together but as far as the here and now and then went, we were just roommates. Living together for convenience and because we enjoyed each other's company. We shared no yesterday and dreamt of no tomorrow. We lived in some kind of an insular that sufficed for both of us at the moment.
One day, as we sat for coffee, Aarti said, "I want a baby, Zen."
I did not know whether to whoop for joy or cry. But after the initial reaction I saw Aarti's expression. It was dead serious. There was no sign of joy in it, whether giving or anticipating. I decided it was too early to be happy.
"Yeah, you heard it right, I want a baby."
"Ummm...???"
"Zen, I want a baby and I'd rather have yours than a stranger's..."
There was a silence because she still had more to say and was looking for words.
"After that you need to let me go."
I breathed out. Aarti was definitely pained by the words but if she had to do it she had to. She always knew best what she wanted. I trusted enough never to question her. After all she had never questioned me. Yet, I made a last ditch attempt.
"What about a father for the child...besides I love you Aarti..."
She turned her face away and with some courage said, "I don't need you Zen, I don't need a man. What I need to be is a mother."
I saw the stark truth in her face. This was the only thing she needed to complete her. She did not need me. She was complete without me. I would have to look elsewhere for my completion.
Next month when she got her period she was visibly disappointed but did not let on. We went to watch a play that evening. It was The Way of the World, a 17th century play, of the age of Restoration Comedy set in today's times with the same brand of humour. She came away more depressed. The atmosphere of pseudo-sophistication and painstakingly cultivated Western tastes depressed her. "Why can't people just be? Why the pretense?" She trailed off, as usual expressing her emotions before the thought became intellect. I looked at her and I think that was the first time I realised how deeply I loved her. I think because I realised why. She knew.
From then on I saw her in a new light. I realised she never struggled, was never confused. Maybe a bit troubled by the divide between her consciousness and the ways of the world. She was not the most stable or sorted person in the world but was never lost. It came as a shock to my male ego that all the time I had been pretending to protect this seemingly vulnerable girl. Her vulnerability did not need protection. It needed flowering. It was the essence of her being. From her vulnerability came her needs. From the acceptance of her vulnerability came her strength to fulfill them. It was really simple. She did not get lost in the should's and could's of life. Instead she simply explored the possibilities life had to offer. Any other girl would have taken the beaten path and stuck herself with a compromise she did not need. Aarti instead focused on only what she needed. By setting herself free, she had set me free. She showed it was that simple to find happiness.
Today, she lives a content and full life with a daughter who is her image. I live with a wife who is in perfect synergy with my emotions and a daughter whom I fondly call Aarti. It will be the best tribute I can give to my love who gave me my freedom if I can bring up my daughter to be like her...
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Fatema Kagalwala
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